We've all done it. Teasing is a great way to break up tension or get a laugh from everyone. Some people enjoy it, some people don't. But even the people who enjoy it have a limit. Sometimes we forget that and cross it. Sometimes, behind the laughter, there is hurt.
An example of this struck me recently. I was in a van full of college students. All of us were incredibly sleep deprived. One of the young men is a fun and outgoing guy. I had just met him the day before and, as I often do with new acquaintances, had been teasing him to break the ice a bit. All day long, we had been going back and forth, with "joking insults." Everything from "fat" to "stupid" - sometimes self-inflicted, sometimes not.
I was not along in teasing him, which is part of what me bolder and less observant of how it might have been affecting him. Everyone else was teasing him, including siblings, cousins, and friends. It was rather relentless, as I look back on it.
As we were driving in the van, one of his sisters said something about his stupidity or ineptitude in something. Earlier in the day, this young man probably would have laughed. But a line had been crossed. He was tired, which probably amplified his sensitivity, and he snapped. He was angry, but not in a threatening way. He was angry in a way that showed that he was hurting. For a few minutes, I was privy to a young man whose skin wasn't as thick as he pretended. I gently steered the conversation to other things - away from him - and glanced back at him in the rear-view mirror. His brow was furrowed.
His sister, on the defensive, brought the subject back. "Well, if you feel that way about being teased, why do you invite it?"
He mumbled, "Just because I invite it doesn't mean I really want it."
This statement really struck me. How many times do we hide behind a wall to protect ourselves? Pretend to be impervious, tough, or nonchalant, just because we're afraid of being hurt? I know I do it... if I insult myself, it doesn't allow others to do it. I can remain "in control," in some perverted, backwards way.
"So even you have a limit?" asked his friend.
"Of course I do. I'm human, aren't I?" he replied.
Just a few minutes later, as we were sitting around watching a movie, someone said something teasingly to this young man. He asked her, "Why do you all tease me all this time?" She responded, not knowing what had happened earlier, "You know you would be disappointed if we didn't." And just like that, the wall went back up. He grimaced. Then grinned. "You know me so well already, it's ridiculous." Then the smile disappeared, he crossed his arms, and sat back in his corner.
Teasing is not necessarily a bad thing. It is not usually mean spirited. Most people find it funny most of the time. But we have to realize that even those people who seem impervious can be hurt. We shouldn't stop paying attention just because they seem comfortable.
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