"You're emotionally blackmailing him," someone told me. The words hit me like a slap in the face. Even now, two years later, I still feel my stomach clench into a knot at the memory.
It doesn't help that the "him" referred to above used those words himself about me only a few weeks ago. Words that he vehemently and angrily disagreed with two years ago. Now he repeats them without qualification.
After everything that has happened, I'm not sure it's possible to avoid being accused of such a thing. I don't know if it's possible for one human being to be honestly hurting and honestly asking for help without the possibility of it being interpreted as emotional blackmail.
As far as I can tell, someone who has committed such an offense is guilty of sharing too much fear, too much hurt, and expressing too much trust in a friend.
In all honesty, I don't know how to not repeat this. All I did was be honest with someone for once in my life about how I felt. I felt alone and scared out of my mind. He assured me that he'd help me. After years, I finally learned to trust him. I trusted him not to hurt me and told him so. Apparently, therein lies my offense. When I told him that I trusted him and that I expected him not to hurt me, I was being manipulative.
So, what am I supposed to do? Not trust people or simply not tell them that I trust them?
Both of those options are too absurd to be considered.
I guess I'm left to continue muddling my way through life, scared of being an inconvenient presence that manipulates people into closer friendships with me than they desire to have. If this is the reality of the world we live in, it's a sad and sorry place. Isn't mankind supposed to be there for one another? Aren't we supposed to love others without conditions?
I am so sorry that I did this to someone. It makes me ill just to think that someone could think that about me. But I did. Now I just have to figure out how - and what - to learn from it.
Because right now, I don't have a clue.
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