Public Service Announcement | For Men, From Me

Dear Men and Undereducated Women,

There is a misconception about women and their hormonal cycle, namely, that there exists one week in a month that is a time fraught with hormones. We are expected to be slightly crazed and unreasonable during this time because of a sudden influx of extreme chemicals.

Now, this might be true to a certain extent. There is a time of the month that is distinctive. There are certain tell-tale signs: depression, crying, crankiness, etc. But let me tell you, it's the tip of a hormonal iceberg. It is, simply, a time of the month. See this picture?

Yeah. So that's the month long picture. Our bodies are always a hormonal circus. Yay! We have all of these different chemicals racing through our bodies at different times in different amounts and different ratios. It can make us happy, sad, angry, loving, suspicious, or just downright bonkers on any given day. There is a chemical reason for almost every emotion, but I don't expect any of you men to keep track of these things in that much detail. I simply mean to alert you to the fact that hormones are a constant source of inspiration for females.

So don't belittle us to being abnormal at one point in the month. We are delicately balanced creatures who ought to always be handled with gentleness and sincerity all the time. Every day is a new, exciting, hormonal adventure. It's the physical roller-coaster that never ends.

End of announcement.

Funniest Customer Service Experience To Date

The title? I know, I know. A big build up. But this is seriously the funniest thing that has happened to me in my corporate America experience. It didn't involve any errors on my part, which may be part of why I enjoyed this so. much. Ok, ok, I'll stop. I'll tell you the story now.


I answered the phone.

me: Hello, Doctor -------------------- office, this is Bridget, how may I help you?

her: Hi. I need to make an appointment for my father. He called me and left a message that he needs to see an eye doctor as soon as possible, so I want to make an appointment for him.

me: Ok. Have we seen your father before?

her: Yes.... I think it was last year.

me: Can I get his name?

*She gives me his name.*

me: ok, please hold while I pull his chart.

*puts phone on hold. looks for five minutes, but can't find it*

me: Thank you for holding. Can you spell his name for me? I can't seem to find his chart. 

*She patiently spells his name. I put her back on hold. I find chart buried in our vault of patients we haven't seen for five years. So much for the one year theory.*

me: Alright, I found it. Do you want the soonest possible appointment?

her: "Yes, please."

*we spend five minutes negotiating a time that works for her*

me: Ok, well, we'll see you then!

her: Oh, well, here's the thing. He doesn't know I'm making this appointment. And he can't find out that I did.

me: *stunned silence*

her: Hello?

me: Yes, sorry, still here. You said he can't know you made him the appointment?

her: Yes, that's IMPERATIVE. He'll be really, really mad if he finds out I made an appointment without asking his permission.

*I check the chart. He's 93 years old. Not a lot of killing power, but I suppose his daughter knows best.*

me: Ok. How shall we get him here, then?

her: Oh, I'll call him back and tell him to call you. Just lead him to believe that he was the first one that called and tell him that the soonest appointment you have is the one that we just made for him. He'll take it.

me, in my head: Yeah, because that's a fool-proof plan.
me, out loud: That sounds great. I'll wait for his call and take care of it.

her: Thanks!

I got off the phone, briefed my coworkers on the situation, stifling tears of laughter. Don't get me wrong, I was laughing. Just trying not to laugh so hard that I started crying. I was doing an ugly snort laugh, though. Not my proudest moment. Hey, it was Friday afternoon. Ten minutes later, the phone rang.

me: (see above phone greeting)

him, shouting: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK LOUDER, HONEYBUNS.

me: Sorry, sir. Can I help you?

him: WHAT?

me: *sigh* CAN I HELP YOU?

him: YES. I WANT TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

me: HAVE WE SEEN YOU BEFORE?

him: NO, I DON'T NEED YOU TO CLEAN MY FLOOR.

me, figuring out this was the 93 year old man, left that question alone. I told him that I needed to go get his chart. Of course, this was a complete lie. Well, I had to go get it, but by "go get it," I mean I had to reach across my desk to where I had put his chart earlier. I put him on hold and counted off 30 seconds.

me: OK, WHEN DO YOU WANT TO COME IN? THE FIRST AVAILABLE APPOINTMENT IS AT ----------- on ------------.

him: WHEN?

me: repeated time and date.

him: WHEN???

me: repeated time and date.

him: OH! I'LL BE THERE, SWEET CHEEKS. DON'T YOU WORRY. YOU'RE JUST THE DARN CUTEST THING EVER. I LOVE THE WAY YOU OFFERED TO CLEAN MY FLOOR.

me: YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.

Yes, working with patients can stink to high heaven. But days like today, it takes off years with laughter.

"911. What is your emergency?"

I was feeling fairly calm, happy, and confident. I had the morning off, so I had been able to sleep in and read old WWII letters written by relatives.

So when I sat down at work to call some patients, I never dreamed of the embarrassment that was in my future.

I dialed a 7 digit number.

It rang twice.

Then I heard, "911. What is your emergency?"

I panicked.

I slammed that phone back down with wide-eyed horror.

I had called 911.

When dialing a 7 digit number. Whaaaaaat????

Then the true horror settled in: I just hung up on a 911 dispatcher.

Without saying there wasn't an emergency.

Omigosh, they were going to come arrest me for prank calling 911!!!

I sat, staring at the phone.

I shakily confided in my coworker. "I, uh, just called 911 and then hung up on them..."

"You WHAT???," she laughed. "Why?"

"I have NO idea." I really didn't. I stared at the number I had dialed. There were 7 digits. There was a 911 in the number, but not only a 911.

About 30 seconds later, my phone rang. It was the Sheriff.

"Uh, hi."
"Hello, ma'am. We just received an emergency call from this number. Is everything alright?"
"Uh, yes. That was... I don't know what happened... I was calling a patient... and then... I don't know. I'm so, so, so sorry I hung up on you."
*10 second pause while the sheriff laughs at me*
"It's ok. Glad everyone is ok. Have a nice day, ma'am."
"Yes. I mean, thank you."

I made my coworker call that patient next. I wasn't willing to risk calling 911 again.

Yes. This is my life. It's really real.