| Another Post About Lent |

(this is not a post about how you should 'do' Lent. It's a post about my personal experience and struggles with Lent. It's me ruminating and rambling on the subject. It's meant to inspire your own ruminating and rambling)

~~~~~

I was still awake at one this morning. Every joint in my body was aching. Every time I moved, it felt like someone was stabbing deep into every joint with a knife. The pain was deep, persistent, and awful.

I had gone to bed at nine. I had been in bed for four long hours.

I listened to the rain patter on the roof.

I was anxious. I was anxious because of the pain. I was anxious because I had to be up in five hours to sing at Mass.

I was awake and anxious. And stuck in a rut of pain.

With a whimper, I rolled out of bed and on to the floor. I crawled over to my bag where I had a bottle of pain pills. I held the bottle in my hand, fighting with myself. Do I take the pill? Or do I take the pain?

I took one. I crawled back toward the bed, already berating myself for being weak. I should be able to handle this pain. People have worse pain than this. I pulled out my phone and searched for articles regarding tramadol tolerance and dependence. Was I getting myself into real trouble? It was prescribed by my doctor to help regulate my chronic pain. But that doesn't mean I don't have to be careful. Why did I give up? Why did I give in? Did I fail somehow? I should be tougher.

I woke up ten minutes before my alarm sounded. I showered and dressed, attempted to warm up my voice and clear out the little phlegmy frogs.

I sat by the organ at church, shortly before Mass began. I read the so-called "theme" of Mass, printed by some parish office worker and proclaimed by the cantor to the congregation.

"This is the last Sunday of Ordinary Time."

Oh. 

It's Lent. Again. 

Oh.

I struggle with Lent. Giving things up, praying extra prayers... I struggle to make those things sincerely holy. To sanctify them. They don't feel like efforts to love God more. They feel like efforts to behave. To follow rules. I don't feel holy.

I feel incompetent.

I fail Lent.

... but what am I doing wrong?


Here's a suggestion...

Lent is not swallowing that pill. It isn't fixing the problem by burying it.

Nor is Lent being strong and standing on my own two feet.

Lent is an opportunity to give in to the pain. Admitting I can't take it anymore. I need to learn how to admit defeat.
 
Lent is a time to hurt & to ache. 
 
But that doesn't mean Lent is lying awake all night in pain.

It's identifying the pain, the problem, and finding the solution. Not the solution that covers it up and gets you through to the next crisis, but the Solution Who takes your problem and makes it His own. 

Lent is the season to fail. To fail yourself. To give in, to give up.

So Someone else can take over.

Because you have to let Him take over.

You have to give Him room to step in and steer.

To steer you out of your pain, your loss, your ache and into His joy. Let Him hold you. Show Him your pain, your confusion, your loneliness. He'll give you His healing, His comfort, His companionship.

It's better than any solution that I can come up with. It's better than my human solutions that are temporary and simply mask pain.

Only with Jesus can the hole left by pain be filled. Filled with joy, filled with Love.

All I have to do is fail myself. If I fail myself, Christ will win my Lent.

Let Him win you.

~~~~~

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son,

that whoever believes in him should not perish 

but have eternal life.  

For God sent the Son into the world, 

not to condemn the world, 

but that the world might be saved through him."