Blog Your Heart, September

I've never done one of these before, but I felt inspired by my new hero. And these days I have a lot on my heart. Maybe none of it is that important, but the pile of little things makes it necessary to remind myself to keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other. I can do this.

If you don't know the "rules," you can follow the link above to Stephanie's blog where she's listed the rules along with her BYH post. :)

1. I don't have any local friends... and this makes me sad. I have a lot of friends... but they're all up at school or moved away to other parts of the country... or, in some cases, Europe. I have the young adults from the parish, but I'm not close to any of them. I have what Aristotle would call "friendships of pleasure" - I enjoy their company, but it doesn't go beyond that. It feels shallow and dry... at least for now. Maybe after I've been here longer, things will get better. Trying to live with hope over here.

2. I hate my job. Ok, maybe that's too strong. I dislike my job. I don't find fulfillment in it or look forward to it. It's mind numbing repetitive tasks that don't require any brain power. I tested this by listening to music while I did it the other day... and I could do it just as quickly. I always did homework with music, but it definitely slowed me down a bit. I wish I could derive some pleasure from it... but no. *sigh*

3. I don't like having a pharmacy living in my stomach. I am on so many pills... all for hormonal imbalances. And I never wanted to be "that person." I know that sometimes prescriptions have to get filled, that it's not my fault, etc. I know all of the "right answers." I just don't like it. I don't like needing help. I like... helping.

4. I miss my best friend. This one's a long story, but it's probably the #1 thing on my heart and mind right now. I just miss him. I feel like I'm walking around with a large part of me missing. And it hurts. I don't see this changing... the definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. So I'm trying to stop missing him... but as soon as I think about it at all, I start crying. Honestly... it would be easier if I could be mad at him.

5. Grad school scares me. Driving scares me. Life scares me. Apparently, that has something to do with my hormonal imbalances, but it's an unpleasant feeling. Everything scares me.

6. On a positive note, I love scrapbooking. It's my new outlet to relax and have some quiet time. It doesn't really require thinking, so it allows for some quiet, non-stressed time. I just focus on the task at hand... and then I'm happy. :)

That's all I can think of at the moment. Happy Sunday!