Bridget Problems, North Carolina Edition

(N.B. - I had SO MUCH FUN on this trip. These are just the mandatory mishaps that always happen to me, no matter where I am. But I really had an awesome trip. The people I met (this year and last year) and hung out with were awesome. I loved every single minute. Minus the choking on the blood part. And the asthma attack. But people were very kind and considerate during my mini-disasters. I love these people already.)

Y'all know that I couldn't possibly travel across the country, live on a college campus for four days, and travel back home without some interesting &gross occurrences occurring. And I know that y'all are just dying to hear all about it. So here it goes.

(If you follow me on twitter, you'll have heard about most of these things. I live-tweeted my trip. Here, however, I am not constrained by a 150 character limit. Bahaha.)

Awkward introductions
I arrived at about dinner time on Thursday. I didn't have too much trouble adjusting to the time zone difference because I was pretty wiped out from the trip. Once we got on campus, my brother brought me to his dorm. This was weird. Really weird.

Having attended a college where inter-visitation is strictly prohibited (except in the case of medical emergencies), the whole concept of walking into a guys' dorm was just freaky. I tried to remain inconspicuous, but I started giggling so uncontrollably that I caught the attention of every.single.person. in the hallway.

I was so flustered that when my brother introduced me to one of his residents, I extended my hand and said, "I'm a girl. Nice to meet you."

*facepalm*

Freaking out about stupid stuff
Friday night we went to Walmart. Why? I still don't know. Apparently, it's fun. They do it all the time there. Whatever. When in Rome, right?

So I walked to Walmart. Part of said walk is walking over the freeway on an old set of train tracks.

This turned out to be a bit of a problem for me. 1) I'm scared of fast cars. 2) I'm terrified of heights. Walking on a tall thing above lots and lots of fast cars zooming by was just freaky. Thankfully, I had a brother to whom I could cling. I did a lot of whimpering, nonetheless.

ps - so we walked to Walmart, stood in the liquor aisle for 10 minutes, didn't buy anything, and then walked back. I still don't know why.

Unintended physical consequences
I had encountered some second-hand smoke early on Friday. The stress of the walking over the freeway combined with my already-swollen, blood-blister-coated throat caused me to have a doozy of an asthma attack on Friday night.

I had set out with the intention of finding hot tea and/or booze. I got a walk in the rain and an asthma attack instead.

Klutz attack
When I got back to the apartment where I was staying late Friday night/very early Saturday morning, I was exhausted. The whole wheezy thing + phobia thing doesn't equal a wonderful aid to your energy. I got ready for bed, put my sleeping bag on the couch, and then lay down on top of it. I couldn't bring myself to get back up and get under the sleeping bag.

By a series of pulling and twisting motions, I tried to wiggle myself under it. All I actually managed to do was lift myself up and slide myself off of the couch and on to the floor.

Obsessing over fashion
In my desperate quest for coffee on Saturday morning, I got sopping wet. Pants, hoodie, shirt underneath, etc. I didn't particularly care, but my brother offered to throw my clothes in the dryer and I could wear some of his in the meantime. Pictured below is the outfit he chose for me.

 






















As you can see, it wasn't exactly fashionable. His soccer shorts reached well past my knees, and he gave me one of his dress sweaters. Then he had the audacity to suggest I wear it to lunch. As it was, I had to leave the building, lugging big brown boots on since it was still raining and those were the only shoes I had with me at the moment. It wasn't an attractive look.

Trying to die via normal, every day occurances
So, I mentioned those blood blisters? Those are important here.

Saturday night was the "Black Light Dance." This concept sorta freaked me out in itself. I'm not really a black light dance sort of person. I like my steps. And my propriety. Wiggling is not my thing. In the interest of "expanding my horizons" or "being a good sport," I went in with a tentative, but open mind.

We walked in the doors and you could feel the concussion of the bass in your chest. Like your heart and sternum were smacking into each other. Uncomfortable. But I didn't let it phase me that quickly. I figured if everyone else could handle such concussions, I could, too.

Well, I'm not normal.

After about 10 minutes, I started coughing uncontrollably. Lo and behold, there was blood everywhere. In my mouth, in my throat, in my lungs. Blood everywhere.

After inspecting my throat in a mirror, I discovered that all of those blood blisters that had been lining my esophagus had been systematically popped by the extreme volume of the subwoofer. I was choking on my own blood. Blargh.

Subwoofers are evil.

Weird encounters with nature
It was almost two in the morning. I was walking back from saying goodnight to my brother at his dorm. The apartments where I stayed are on the opposite side of campus, so I had a bit of a walk. I wasn't wearing shoes because it was raining and I needed my shoes to be dry for Mass, which was in nine hours. Since I didn't have any desire to schlep through the mud in my bare feet (not that I don't like mud, but I didn't want to get mud all over the apartment), I stayed on the sidewalk. In the course of this walk, I discovered that there are basically no direct sidewalk paths between one side of campus and the other. They all wind back and forth.

As I made my way across campus in the rather chilly rain, I pulled my hood up. I zoned out a bit, just blindly following the sidewalk (this is, perhaps, why I didn't take a very direct route - I just followed the sidewalk instead of paying terribly close attention), when I suddenly heard a large whooshing noise and felt something heavy land on my head.

I stopped. I was incredibly confused. What was happening here?

Then I felt claw-like things grab my hood and, consequently, a bit of my hair. Whatever it was was getting a good grip.

Then it tried to carry me away. I kid you not. It started pulling on my hood in any upward and backward direction.

It didn't actually get me off the ground because I'm far too heavy for that mysterious animal to carry. It did drag me backwards a bit.

Surprisingly, I didn't scream. Or yell. Or even meep. I felt my face wrinkle in confusion. Internally, I was freaking out, but I guess I was too tired to get that translated to the outside.

After about ten seconds, the mystery animal gave up and left without its snack. I suppose I should be grateful. I'm mostly bemused.

The mandatory HOW...??? moment
I fell in the mud during the early afternoon on Sunday. That story isn't very interesting or original, though. I just slipped and fell. What happened later was pretty interesting, though.

I was waiting outside the basilica for my brother.

It was the magic, golden hour of sunset. My brother was singing for Mass, even though we had already attended Mass in the morning. He was singing a special piece because the choir needed a bass and he is a very bassy bass.

I was perched on the little brick wall that surrounds the front portico of the basilica. I was completely mesmerized by the sunset. And those blossoms. It was so beautiful it hurt.

My arms were hugging my knees to my chest. I was incredibly sleepy. I hadn't slept well the night before and it was so quiet and peaceful sitting there alone.

I put my head down on my knees.

The next thing I remember is lying face down in the pine needles. Some guy, who I didn't know, was standing over me, nudging me with his foot. I looked up at him and he asked, "Did you really just fall off that wall?"

I remember smiling in a rather bemused fashion. "Probably. We haven't met, but that would be a normal thing for me to do."

He gave me a hand up and I found my brother.

"Oh, that was you who fell off the wall? Figures."

Funniest Customer Service Experience To Date

The title? I know, I know. A big build up. But this is seriously the funniest thing that has happened to me in my corporate America experience. It didn't involve any errors on my part, which may be part of why I enjoyed this so. much. Ok, ok, I'll stop. I'll tell you the story now.


I answered the phone.

me: Hello, Doctor -------------------- office, this is Bridget, how may I help you?

her: Hi. I need to make an appointment for my father. He called me and left a message that he needs to see an eye doctor as soon as possible, so I want to make an appointment for him.

me: Ok. Have we seen your father before?

her: Yes.... I think it was last year.

me: Can I get his name?

*She gives me his name.*

me: ok, please hold while I pull his chart.

*puts phone on hold. looks for five minutes, but can't find it*

me: Thank you for holding. Can you spell his name for me? I can't seem to find his chart. 

*She patiently spells his name. I put her back on hold. I find chart buried in our vault of patients we haven't seen for five years. So much for the one year theory.*

me: Alright, I found it. Do you want the soonest possible appointment?

her: "Yes, please."

*we spend five minutes negotiating a time that works for her*

me: Ok, well, we'll see you then!

her: Oh, well, here's the thing. He doesn't know I'm making this appointment. And he can't find out that I did.

me: *stunned silence*

her: Hello?

me: Yes, sorry, still here. You said he can't know you made him the appointment?

her: Yes, that's IMPERATIVE. He'll be really, really mad if he finds out I made an appointment without asking his permission.

*I check the chart. He's 93 years old. Not a lot of killing power, but I suppose his daughter knows best.*

me: Ok. How shall we get him here, then?

her: Oh, I'll call him back and tell him to call you. Just lead him to believe that he was the first one that called and tell him that the soonest appointment you have is the one that we just made for him. He'll take it.

me, in my head: Yeah, because that's a fool-proof plan.
me, out loud: That sounds great. I'll wait for his call and take care of it.

her: Thanks!

I got off the phone, briefed my coworkers on the situation, stifling tears of laughter. Don't get me wrong, I was laughing. Just trying not to laugh so hard that I started crying. I was doing an ugly snort laugh, though. Not my proudest moment. Hey, it was Friday afternoon. Ten minutes later, the phone rang.

me: (see above phone greeting)

him, shouting: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK LOUDER, HONEYBUNS.

me: Sorry, sir. Can I help you?

him: WHAT?

me: *sigh* CAN I HELP YOU?

him: YES. I WANT TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

me: HAVE WE SEEN YOU BEFORE?

him: NO, I DON'T NEED YOU TO CLEAN MY FLOOR.

me, figuring out this was the 93 year old man, left that question alone. I told him that I needed to go get his chart. Of course, this was a complete lie. Well, I had to go get it, but by "go get it," I mean I had to reach across my desk to where I had put his chart earlier. I put him on hold and counted off 30 seconds.

me: OK, WHEN DO YOU WANT TO COME IN? THE FIRST AVAILABLE APPOINTMENT IS AT ----------- on ------------.

him: WHEN?

me: repeated time and date.

him: WHEN???

me: repeated time and date.

him: OH! I'LL BE THERE, SWEET CHEEKS. DON'T YOU WORRY. YOU'RE JUST THE DARN CUTEST THING EVER. I LOVE THE WAY YOU OFFERED TO CLEAN MY FLOOR.

me: YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.

Yes, working with patients can stink to high heaven. But days like today, it takes off years with laughter.

A Visit to St. Gabe's, Part 1 (The funny part)

Today I went back to St. Gabe's for Mass. Just a visit to see the beautiful new church and some dear, dear, dear old friends. (more on that in Part 2)

I arrived in classic style. With a bang. Literally.

Yes, that's how the visit started. As I walked down the stairs, chatting with a woman I haven't seen in five years, I forgot to keep walking down the stairs. There were more stairs. I didn't walk like there were. Me, my three inch heels, and flippy skirt tumbled down in a pseudo-graceful heap. I say pseudo graceful because even though I was falling with incredible force, I managed to not flash anyone. Or swear. I let out a high scream, though. See? Graceful. But I was falling. So not so graceful.

My next adventure began when I genuflected to enter a pew. I went down... but couldn't get up. My heel had stuck in my aforementioned flippy skirt and I was stuck. I didn't want to rip my skirt, nor did I want to snag it and have the knit material bounce too high when the pressure finally released. If you can't picture that... well, then you probably aren't a girl. If you are a girl and you can't picture that, you obviously have never tried to genuflect.

Still can't picture it? Geez. Maybe it's just me. Shoot.

I repeatedly tried to unhook the skirt from the heel of my shoe. Every time I managed to unhook it and then adjusted to stand up, it would get re-attached. After about five minutes - ok, maybe 30 seconds which felt like five minutes - I ended up scooting into the pew on my knees until I could heave myself up with my arms on the back of the pew in front of me.

Subtlety is not my specialty. Neither is delicacy in behavior. I specialize in drama, don't ya know. :)