From Boys in YM to Men of Christ | MUORYM

[Part of a new & probably ongoing series of blog posts, which feature My Unsolicited Opinions Regarding Youth Ministry, or MUORYM for typing convenience. The sentiments contained herein are my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes reactionary opinions to the operational duties of youth ministry, its limits, and the most fundamental challenges it faces. If the issues are not fundamental, they will, at least, be the issues that are most distressing to me, myself, and I. In other words, I'm getting on my soapbox. You've been warned.]

I think the majority of youth ministry is designed and run by women. I think this is a good thing. But I also think the predominance of women tangibly affects the programs that we make mandatory for any teenage Catholic who desires to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation.

I think this can make the programs excellent and really accessible for the young ladies seeking formation in their Catholic faith.

But I think that whatever positive effect we see in our girls is mirrored by, if not an overtly negative effect, at least an ill-suited and clumsy application to the boys in the programs.

Youth Ministry is meant to form mature Catholics. God created us in His image; His image is made manifest in us as male and female. Not just human. Not just female. Humanity is comprised of male and female individuals. Men and women are different from one another.

Stating this difference as fact is far less controversial than it was thirty or forty years ago. Sure, it's something that traditional theologians and religions have been saying for years, but now even in academic fields of science, the notion of "sameness" between the sexes is more or less extinct. Those who are leaders in the fields of biology, neurology, sociology, psychology, and pretty much every 'ology that has an opinion on the relation of the sexes are definitive on this matter:

Men are different than women.

Not only are we different biologically, but our neurological wiring is different. They have established that men and women do think differently. We have not evolved to have the same brain. So to any of you who would like to blame this trend in the Church on the pants-wearing feminists who want to make men the same as women, I'm calling you out. That is not the issue here. That's not even an issue anymore. So get your butt in the 21st century, please.

But I digress. The point of these particular paragraphs of ranting are to establish that since men and women are different, but primarily women are involved in youth ministry, then the program is going to be more suited to the feminine mind and soul.

In other words: Confirmation programs tend to be really girly.

-- You Can't Give What You Don't Have

"So what?" you may say. "Just because women plan and run activities doesn't mean the guys won't get anything out of it."

Granted. Young men can get something from the programs we currently implement in parishes. But is "getting something out of it" good enough? Because that's about as good as it's going to get. Why? There is a basic philosophical principle that applies across the board when talking about the relation of cause and effect: you simply cannot give to another that which you do not yourself possess.

For example: the sun gives heat because it, itself, is hot. It affects things according to its nature, so that the effect we see (heat) is directly linked to - and indicative of - the nature of the cause.

We see this clearly in natural occurrences, but on the level of human activity as well. In the Gospel account of St. John, we hear this principle invoked by Christ Himself.

"Pilate therefore said to him, "You will not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you, and power to crucify you?" Jesus answered him, "You would have no power over me unless it had been given you from above."

We have no power other than that which God grants us. God created us male and female. If we admit this bisexuality of humanity, is it so unreasonable to assume that our powers - our abilities as men and women - are different, too?

-- Love vs. Respect

There are a lot of elements that play into one's identity with the masculine or the feminine. In any individual, we see the dominance of particular traits and the lack of others, sometimes as cultivated strengths or as suppressed tendencies. One aspect that is central to our identity as a Christian - as a member of the body of Christ - is our relationship to God. And since God is Love, the relationship we have with Him is a relationship built in the context of that love. We hear it all the time: love God, love your neighbor, love yourself, love the sinner, etc. Everything comes back to love.

This is a little tangent to lead into the next section that may seem a bit like a digression, but I promise that it has a relevant point. I borrowed a book from my roommate when in college on the topic of "what are men thinking/how do they think?" I wish I could remember the title, or even the author, so I apologize for not providing you with that information. (I've tried google searching a few things to see if I can find it, but no luck so far. I'm sorry... I'll keep looking and if I find it, I'll update this post) Unlike many soapbox books that make grand statements about the male psyche and make many generalizations concerning very particular habits or actions of men, this woman used her years of leading couples retreats and then an extensive anonymous polling system of thousands of men from all over the country to gather data and analyze it, just to get to the bottom of why men do what they do the way they do it. She doesn't claim that everything is 100% true for 100% of men. She presents most of her data in graphs and charts with the numbers of people who fell into the various categories of response. This is all a big buildup to lend credibility to the part of this that has a point. It does have a point.

She began every couple's retreat with a simple question: if you have to choose one over the other, would you rather be:

1) Loved, but not respected.

2) Respected, but not loved.

The first time she asked the question, she had everyone in the room keep their eyes shut when they raised their hands. Would you rather be loved, but not respected? Hands blindly raised and then lowered. Would you rather be respected, but not loved? Hands blindly raised and then lowered.

Then instructing them to keep their answer the same, she asked them to open their eyes while she repeated the questions so that the men and women in the room could see who responded in what way.

Here's what she found: statistically, the majority of women would rather have love without respect and the majority of men would rather have respect without love. The statistics weren't 100%, or even 95%, but generally around 80-85% of the men on the retreats and in her polling would rather be respected without love, while approximately the same percentages of the women would rather be loved without respect.

Now obviously, if you think about it in an objective and healthy manner, love and respect are both integral to a good relationship. One might argue that love without respect isn't really love, but more like affection. Just for clarity, we'll call it that from here on out in this post.

When you start out in a relationship - romantic or not - you have to build to love. You don't automatically love one person with your whole being with them reciprocating in kind. You have to build from the bottom up. For women, affection is commonly that foundation. For men, that foundation is typically respect.

If this affection is foundational to a woman's relationship, then where does that put respect? Respect is not strictly a consequence of a woman's affection for another, but in a way it's the fruit of the relationship in action. For men, affection seems to follow after respect in much the same way.

The point that I'm writing around and around and around and am afraid to come out and say it because I'm afraid you'll all flip out at me is this:

Women can withhold respect while giving affection on their path to love.
Men can withhold affection while giving respect on their path to love.

Women teach the youth of the Church about the love of God.
... So are we teaching love or could we just be teaching affection?

Have we impressed upon them importance of respect, or has that been left as an aside? Do the young men know that respect of God is solid and a necessary foundation from which they should start? Do we give them what they need to build that relationship with God to a place of loving Him? Because right now, what I'm seeing does not do that. We talk about the love of God, but respect? What was the last time you heard about any retreat, not even restricting it to youth retreats, where the message was focused on the proper respect for God? Sounds funny, doesn't it? But a retreat on the proper love of God? Totally standard.

Now, now, you say, God isn't respect. God is love. And that love should include respect. That's why it's the retreat theme.

Yes. Yes, it should. That is all true. But with women designing, running, organizing, talking, and having a finger in every formative pie of a parish, do you really think that we won't tend to lean too heavily on the foundational pillar of affection for God? If 80%-85% of us women would rather have love than respect from a human being in our lives, don't you think that's going to have an impact on how we women teach the teenagers about their relationship with God?

Youth ministry is intensely focused, and rightly so, on helping teens form a personal relationship with Jesus, but do we think about the differences between the young men and young women in our group? Do we think about how those differences will affect the relationships they have with God? How it will affect all of their relationships, whether it be with their parents, their friends, or their formation team leaders? What are we teaching them about building relationships? Are we giving them what they need, as young men and young women, specifically?

-- Man Up, Gentlemen

So this is me standing on my bloggish soapbox, calling each one of you men out on the carpet.

Do you see a lack of teenage guys on the retreat leadership team? Look back at your retreat planning last year. Did you really address the importance and need for strength and courage in Christian men?

Do you see a lack of young men attending Sunday Mass? Look at the formation and instruction they were given and the support they had available to them. Was it really what they needed as boys learning how to be men?

Women can't give what they don't have. We have a certain 'feminine genius', which should not be underestimated or undervalued, but men, we need your masculine genius. How will the high school guys learn how to be mature Catholic men from me? They can't, at least not in a whole and complete way.

You, my dear men, need to get up and get involved.

The differences between men and women should be noted and celebrated as good. We are complementary in so many ways, on so many levels. But we cannot complement each other if our education does not foster that difference. God created each of us from Love, and for Love, in His image, both male and female. From love, for love, as men and women. We need to acknowledge the differences. Then we need to take a good, long look at our Confirmation preparation programs and ask: what are we doing to form men in Christ? What's missing? What can we do better?

I'm listening...

 

What Are We All Doing Here? | MUORYM

[The first in a new & probably ongoing series of blog posts, which feature My Unsolicited Opinions Regarding Youth Ministry, or MUORYM for typing convenience. The sentiments contained herein are my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes reactionary opinions to the operational duties of youth ministry, its limits, and the most fundamental challenges it faces. If the issues are not fundamental, they will, at least, at least, be the issues that are most distressing to me, myself, and I. In other words, I'm getting on my soapbox. You've been warned.]

~~~

Dear Candidates, Sponsors, and Parents,

What are we all doing here?

This meeting is part of the parish's attempt to prepare all of us for the Rite of Confirmation, in whatever capacity we shall be participating in it. Approximately a third the people in this room will be receiving the Sacrament directly. For you, Confirmation marks, quite literally, the beginning of a new phase of your life. The rest of us in this room have already received this Sacrament. Our role - especially you, parents and sponsors - is to be models and guides fot those preparing and beginning their lives as confirmed - in other words, mature - Catholics. The school of experience cannot be overvalued; your duty, then, is to share that experience of your own real life lived in you own real faith. But all of us in this room, whether we are preparing to receive the Sacrament or striving to live a life of example as a confirmed Catholic, must have an answer to this fundamental question:

What is Confirmation?

Confirmation is one of the Church's "Sacraments of Initiation." These three sacraments - Baptism, Confirmation, and the Holy Eucharist - are what most Catholics, even those without knowledge of grand Theological complexities, seek from the Church. On a sociological level, they are regarded as rites of passage. Many couples who present their babies to be Baptized in the Church, many children who prepare to receive their First Holy Communion, as well any number of teens attending a Confirmation program have never attended Sunday Mass with any consistency or regularity. Nevertheless, these three Sacraments are valued as milestones in the life of a growing child.

This sociological significance is directly tied to the Sacramental significance, and could even be regarded as being an effect of its Sacramental reality. St. Thomas Aquinas, when discussing these three Sacraments, draws our attention to the fact these three Sacraments are proportioned to the three things that are per se necessary for natural life, namely, birth, growth, and nutrition. The three processes that must occur for one to live, and live well, naturally are paralleled in these three Sacraments of Initiation, which allow us to live, and live well, spiritually. 

Birth

Jesus illustrates this parallel with unmistakeable clarity in His Gospel (John 3:3-7, RSV)

Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born anew, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicode′mus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.  Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born anew.’

For every created thing, there is a beginning of existence. Every being that comes into existence has a moment of birth. That moment marks the beginning of that creature's life, existing in a new manner; birth is the moment where a creature is granted a certain independent identity. When a baby is born, the intense intimacy with the mother is ended; the baby has a separate, outside-of-any-other-person, existence. When a seed sprouts, when a chicken hatches from an egg, when a baby is born, a new natural thing is taking up its place in the natural order. It is an entity in the world.

Baptism is the birth of spirit through the Spirit. Baptism is what grants us life, and removes from us our participation in humanity's inherited death. It allows us to be reunited to God so that our natural life might be able to ascend to the glory of supernatural life with God. Each one of us in this room have been Baptized and have, thereby, been born into the Church. We have been granted existence as individuals in the unity of Christ's mystical body. We are an entity in the Church.

Nutrition

(You may have noticed that I've switched the order as initially stated, placing nutrition before growth. There are reasons for the order given by St. Thomas and reasons for the revised order of Sacramental administration, but I won't get into them here. Another topic for another day and the finesse of philosophical distinctions to make sense of the superiority of one order over the other is not our business currently. I also doubt anyone else would find them very interesting.)

While birth has a certain primacy in respect to necessity, -- its the condition on which all other conditions are dependent (you can't live life in any way, good or bad, if you aren't born to live -- nutrition has the unique quality of being a recurring event, rather than a one-time occurrence. While one is only born once, one must eat consistently throughout one's life if one is to remain alive. A life without nutrition would end rather soon after having begun.

So God, in His goodness, has also appointed a Sacrament to nourish us spiritually. This spiritual nourishment, the life-sustaining food gifted to us by God, is the Holy Eucharist. God has gifted God to us. In order that we might be united with Him spiritually, He becomes present to us substantially in the Eucharist. He doesn't just give us food that gives us His grace. He is our food. And just as we couldn't have a sustained or good natural life without nourishing food, we could not have a sustained or good spiritual life without the nourishing food of the Eucharist.

I could get much more comprehension in my treatment of this subject, but the question here isn't "What is the Eucharist?", so I won't. I'll leave it at that. But there is so much more that could be said. I hope you appreciate my self-control.

Growth

So now, finally, I'll get to answering the question I said we all needed to answer: what is Confirmation?

To begin with the parallel found in nature: every being with a soul - that is alive - has a process of development. When a baby boy is born, he is male, but yet he is not a man. He must grow into to being a man, in physical stature and capacity, as well as mental and emotional maturity. We have a colloquial expression for this change. We refer to it as "growing up", and one who has undergone this change has "grown up." This change doesn't happen overnight, or at a consistent rate or stage of an individual child's development. Yet we recognize that a man is the same person as the boy we met ten years ago; he has simply grown. He doesn't change from being less human to more human. None of us can acquire more human nature than that which we have from our beginning. The change is a growth in his ability to exercise the fullness of that nature.

So this aspect that is per se necessary for life to be is what we see paralleled sacramentally in Confirmation. A person, born into the unity of the Mystical Body of Christ at Baptism, must grow in that identity. Confirmation is that growth, that grace, which changes a soul. Just as we expect a boy to change into a man, we should also expect a person to mature in their spirituality. This growth doesn't mean we have more of a soul, it doesn't mean we have a different soul than we did at Baptism. It means that we have grown in our ability to live in, and thus act in, God's love. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit - not like a room sealed off from contaminants, but sealed by His mark. We are designated as belonging to God in a more mature, deliberate, and active way.

Catholic is not a quality, it's a state of being. We are called to be Catholic. Confirmation is what signifies and causes a growth in us. It changes our faith, not so that it's a different kind of faith than that which we received at Baptism, but so that it's matured in its development. Jesus tells us repeatedly in His Gospel that faith always bears fruit. He even goes as far as to say that faith as small as a mustard seed will bear great fruit. If there is no fruit, that can only be because there is not even a little seed of faith from which it could grow.

Confirmation gifts us a greater union with Christ in his Body, the Church. It grants us the grace to will that unity with the totality of our beings, with a deliberate and constant choice to Love and Be Loved. It is the grace to live Catholic.

So you, Candidates, are preparing to receive the gift of maturity in your faith. God will gift you the grace of growth from that seed, so that you might bear His fruit to the world. You will be entrusted with His Love, not only for yourself, but for others. That is the gift God is giving you. He is causing and marking your growth. That is Confirmation.

And you, parents and sponsors, are guardians of that growing faith. You were entrusted with that same fruitful love at your own Confirmation. Now, as part of your duty to live Catholic, you must help these young people as they begin their own journey of living Catholic. You are to be an example of this growth and maturity, an example of humility in gratitude, and example of God's love to the world. You must also tend to the growth the faith in these teens, always aiming to help and never hinder its development.

In all of this, remember to lean on Christ. That applies equally to every single one of us in this room. Whether yours is a baby faith, a tired faith, a scared faith, a happy faith, a big faith - label your faith as you will - it is a gift. It comes from Christ, it grows in Christ, and it is all for Christ.

So lean on Him. He is why we're here.

2015

One of the most talked about men of 2014 has given us our resolutions - real solutions - for this new year here in the City of God on earth.

Thanks, Papa Francis. You're the best. So good to us. :)

– “Take care of your spiritual life, your relationship with God, because this is the backbone of everything we do and everything we are.”

– “Take care of your family life, giving your children and loved ones not just money, but most of all your time, attention and love.”

– “Take care of your relationships with others, transforming your faith into life and your words into good works, especially on behalf of the needy.”

– “Be careful how you speak, purify your tongue of offensive words, vulgarity and worldly decadence.”

– “Heal wounds of the heart with the oil of forgiveness, forgiving those who have hurt us and medicating the wounds we have caused others.”

– “Look after your work, doing it with enthusiasm, humility, competence, passion and with a spirit that knows how to thank the Lord.”

– “Be careful of envy, lust, hatred and negative feelings that devour our interior peace and transform us into destroyed and destructive people.”

– “Watch out for anger that can lead to vengeance; for laziness that leads to existential euthanasia; for pointing the finger at others, which leads to pride; and for complaining continually, which leads to desperation.”

– “Take care of brothers and sisters who are weaker … the elderly, the sick, the hungry, the homeless and strangers, because we will be judged on this.”