My Battle with Food

Hey! Long time, no write! I apologize... I've been busy with visiting family, lounging in the pool during these 110 degree days, and, OH YEAH, getting a job! I start in two weeks at an office that I have wanted to work at since I was 10. So yeah, I'm pretty excited!

But that's not what this blog post is about. It's about my life-long battle with food. Not with eating disorders, not with allergies, but with food. It confuses me.

I am a texture eater. I always have been, I always will be. I am also moderately picky... mostly about texture. What really gets me... and by "gets me", I mean "confuses the *$^# out of me" (I don't know what four-letter word those symbols represent. I just felt like putting them there...) is food with different textures combined.

Example 1: soup. With the exception of something like split pea, which is all one consistency (don't you DARE put ham or carrots in it... because then it will be relegated to the confusing food category), I choke on soup. I kid you not. Here's why, in a step-by-step breakdown.

I scoop the soup into my mouth. Immediately, I start thinking: there is liquid in my mouth. There are also solid foods in my mouth. What do I do?

Do I swallow the liquid and then chew the solid stuff? OR, do I hold it all in my mouth, chewing the solid stuff until it becomes squashed, and then swallow it all together? If I try to swallow the liquid, I inevitably end up swallowing solid food whole as well. If I try to chew it all, the liquid goes down the wrong pipe. In the confusion and chaos, things start sliding down my throat, hitting the back of it, and causing me to sputter everywhere. It's messy.

Consequently, I have had to adapt my soup eating process. I carefully pick out every piece of solid food, careful to drain out all of the liquid from my spoon before inserting the spoon into my mouth. Only after all of the solids have been removed and consumed from the bowl, I proceed to drink the broth like it's a warm, salty tea.

Example 2: gum. I know, I know, not technically a multi-textured food object but it still confuses the begeebers out of me. I put a piece of gum in my mouth and am ok until about 30 seconds later. I have this thing in my mouth and I'm chewing it, but I'm not allowed to swallow it. You cannot imagine the anxiety that accompanies this process. My mouth and throat are trying to make me swallow, but my brain keeps telling me not to swallow it or I'll choke and die. I start feeling all sweaty and hot.

Consequently, I gag. Repeatedly. Violently. Eye wateringly violent. It's awful. There is no solution to this problem. I avoid gum like arsenic.

Example 3: potato salad. Similar to soup, but even more confusing. You have crunchy stuff (celery), chewyish stuff (potatoes), and hardboiled eggs (squishy stuff). It all needs to be chewed, but to greater and lesser degrees. It isn't one texture or even two textures, but THREE. It's absolutely impossible.

(Not only is it different textures, but the different things are all different SIZES. WTH??? Who's sadistic idea was this?)

My brain cannot even deal with the complexity of the chewing process for potato salad. I end up swallowing large chunks of potato whole or inadvertently getting egg up my sinuses. (Don't ask, I don't know).

Thankfully, nature has given me a convenient way out of this embarrassing situation. Most potato salads are made with mayonnaise, which 99.9% of the time has soy in it, to which I am deathly allergic. It provides a convenient excuse that doesn't refer to my strange, apoplectic aversion to varied textures. I can get away with a semblance of normalcy with strangers this way.

You guys know the truth now. The ugly horrible truth of how I over-analyze my food. I have a problem. I have learned to live with it... but it isn't pretty.