"Safe Food"

I have an interesting relationship with food. In a way, it isn't much different than your relationship with food; some things are good for your body, other things are bad for your body. Same here. Things that are good for my body keep me healthy. The big difference between you and me (except for you people who are subject to food allergies, too, in which case, you have my pity) is that food that is bad for me can kill me very quickly. Within minutes, in fact.

This reality has a few of effects. First, it makes me terrified of food. It isn't that eating food in itself is bad, but I just have to be very careful about it. I cannot afford (i.e., I won't continue living) to skip the precautionary label-reading & cross-questioning before eating. I only engage in eating when I know it is 100% safe.

Second, it makes me incredibly protective of my Bridget-proof foods. I have a bit of a hoarder mentality, a remnant of my college days where every bite of food was like a game of Russian roulette. Once I found something safe, I wanted to keep it and save it for the next week when there might not be any other safe options. I became what you might call, erm. possessive. My family doesn't appreciate this residual quality.

Third, since I have done extensive reading on the subject, I will talk your ear off. Actually, forget that. I will talk both of your ears off. I have so many opinions that are all fueled by very strong personal feelings. (When it's a matter of life and death, I tend to get a bit passionate. It's probably the Italian in me. Oh, wait, maybe it's just the human in me.)

Now, let's take a tangent. Where shall this tangent go? Oh, sex. (Food. Sex. Italians, you know you love to hate us. We are so inappropriate, so often!)

As a good, straight-laced, obedient Catholic, I don't have sex. I'm not married, ergo, I don't have sex. As someone who doesn't live under a rock, I am aware that there are "safe" and "unsafe" ways to engage in sex. (This mostly means "prevent pregnancy and the spread of STDs" as far as I can tell.) It struck me the other day, in a moment of extreme exasperation, that my approach to "safe food" has a lot in common with the general approach to "safe sex."

They're both about preparation. Never go in to a situation without thinking through it. Don't put yourself in a tight corner.

If you forget to make adequate preparations, it isn't a little matter that you can dismiss easily. There are serious repercussions for lapses in responsibility.

Tongue-in-cheek, I know. It's how I handle stress and frustration. It's better than yelling at the server, "I DON'T FLIPPING CARE IF IT'S GLUTEN FREE!!!!! GLUTEN AND SOY ARE NOT SYNONYMS. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP WITH THE GLUTEN!!!!!," which was the alternative to this post.