There & Back Again

I had an enormous gift this weekend: the health to attend a weekend retreat. So grateful for that. Oh, one small caveat to the health is that I think I'm the only twenty-four year old who still gets violently, horrifically car sick. Yes. That's me. Defying expectations yet again. ;) Before the retreat changes from a bright, inspirational experience to a faded and vague memory, I'd like to share with you what's on my heart and mind. I won't try to write it like a paper, though... I think a list will better serve my purpose here.

1. It is not what I wanted, but it was what I needed. I thought I needed a weekend of introspection and "me time" with Jesus. I haven't had an opportunity to spend that kind of time with Him in too long. Well, I haven't made the time to do that. So going into the retreat, I was hoping for a lot of mandated prayer and reflection time. That isn't what I got... but that didn't turn out to be a bad thing. It wasn't what I expected and probably wasn't as objectively "good," but I do think I benefited from it.

2. I need community to be spiritually healthy. I had the closest community possible in college. I haven't had that much of a connection with my peers since then. I have a few near & dear friends in the area, but nothing you could call a community. I knew that was missing in my life. What I didn't know, but learned this weekend, is that a lack of community is incredibly detrimental to my spiritual life. I need that group, that support, that fellowship to be happy on a natural level. What surprised me is that natural, human support from others is key to my supernatural health and happiness. We are never better off alone.

3. every. woman. is. broken. The men and women were separated from one another and each group was given the opportunity to be totally honest and open with each other about our struggles. Sitting in a room full of women who felt unloved, unworthy, and ugly - and admitted that to every other person in the room - was an incredibly moving experience. It gave me a sense of communion with these women; we shared the same fundamental doubts and struggles. It also broke my heart. I wanted to help and reach out to every single person in that room. I wanted to be there for them and comfort them. The fact that the heart of womanhood is so very broken is devastating. Every woman is so very vulnerable... how can we fix that? How do we stop this? This is not what God intended for His finishing touch of creation. More on that in another post...

4. every. man. is. broken. Rejoining the men for the rest of the retreat, I shared generally about the brokenness and vulnerability of women. I am fully convinced and know that if any of those men had been able to listen in on our discussions, to see the tears running down every face, and to feel the fear of the women in that room, they would be heartbroken and just as desperate as I am to help fix this problem. Turns out, women aren't the only ones who are broken. As I shared my experience with my small group, which was comprised of men and women, the men opened up about their own discussion. Every man is afraid. They are afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, afraid that they aren't manly or strong enough.

5. Isolation is a temptation, never a healer. This weekend showed me so clearly and pointedly that every person feels alone in their struggles. Not only do the fears of the men closely parallel the fears of women, but every individual feels alone in that. Our solution to our weaknesses is to hide them and deal with them internally. Even if we invite Our Lord to heal us, we feel that we should isolate ourselves from the communion of humanity. We don't want to tarnish the others with our sins, weaknesses, and fears. We imagine that we alone are this scared, this scarred. My healing comes from the grace of God... but God is not only in my heart. He is in yours. And if I find fellowship with you, His presence will be able to heal me from the outside, too. We can be instruments of healing for one another in spite of our brokenness.

6. "You can miss Heaven by eighteen inches: the distance between your head and your heart."

pause here.

take a breath.

does Christ live in my heart or is He just in my head?

7. Watching grace in action is so much fun! Being in a group of peers who are all excited about finding and knowing Jesus, one can get an incredible emotional high. This type of retreat is designed to help you be on fire for Our Lord and His Church and it works. There is natural excitement, but I really felt the supernatural excitement. I don't know how to describe it exactly... but as the weekend progressed and we were able to receive the Sacraments of reconciliation and Eucharist, I could see the grace growing in people. I am not inclined to charismatic worship in my devotions, I am not one to jump up on a table and dance because the Holy Spirit moved me. What I saw was more subtle than that... a more relaxed smile, a light in their eyes, the love that we found for each other so quickly... it indicates something more than natural fellowship. We really became a community... we were in communion with the Lord in one another. It was crazy. I feel incredibly silly writing this down, but it's really how it happened. I don't just feel that those people were filled with grace, but I know they were filled with grace. Grace begets grace begets more grace.

8. I need a silent retreat, too. I would not give up the experience I had this weekend, but it's only one piece of the puzzle. In the prayerful, reflective time I got, there were so many things in my mind and heart. Even though we were supposed to "talk about it with God," there was simply not enough time to sort through all of that mess. What this retreat did for me was show me a community where I wasn't alone in those struggles. I do need that quiet, introspective time to talk to God about all of that stuff... but those conversations will be better now. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me from within and without.

9. I need to be moving forward, but it can be slowly. There isn't any pressure to "fix myself" alone or on a schedule. I, through the grace of Christ in me and in others, can be healed, but there isn't a time table. There isn't a deadline. I need to take baby steps, but I need to get myself on that road and take a step. This weekend was like the deep breath before poking your toes in the ocean. I took a deep breath with 149 other young people and put my toes in the water. What I found is that those people weren't in front of me, encouraging me to come to their side, but they were beside me. Every person is taking babysteps and no one is alone in the Body of Christ.

There is definitely a pattern here. And I love that.