#LetThereBeLight

^^^ The theme of this past weekend's Confirmation retreat

I hadn't gone on a Confirmation retreat since I had been allowed on my sister's - she was in 10th grade and I was in 8th - so I was more than a little nervous to embark on last weekend's retreat. Even though I was surrounded by a fantastic leadership team, I have a rather perpetual fear of unknown things, which carried over into my specific anxiety about the success of the retreat. But I went. And it was good. Crazy, exhausting, and sometimes frustrating... but still good.

Grace always surprises me. And I'm thankful for that. If I were to anticipate it - and therefore, in some manner, take it to be ordinary - it's very nature as an extraordinary gift would be missed. You put in your best effort and then hope for the grace to appear and make up for your deficiencies and answer the necessary questions. So yes, grace always surprises me, but I'm of the opinion that it is proper that grace surprise me. It's not like I'm "owed" grace or something. It's an unexpected present.

{I'm pretty sure the latter paragraph is composed of two redundant sections, both of which could adequately express my point, but I'm too tired to edit properly. Mea culpa.}

Anyway.

To be totally honest, most of my memory of retreat is a crazy blur. I got a migraine Friday night, so I spent that night barfing instead of sleeping, and my activity Saturday was so fueled by adrenaline that I couldn't fall asleep until about 4:30 am Sunday, in spite of me putting my physically exhausted body to bed at 2. But each one of the few moments I clearly remember were so obviously grace-filled that I want to share them with you, my friends. :)

In no particular order:

1. Our youth minister asked that I be his extra hands over the weekend rather than leading a small group of students in their sharing and discussions. I was happy to oblige. Punctuality and efficiency don't make good things happen of themselves, but I'm a firm believer in them being an excellent framework out of which good things have time and room to grow. In preparation for the weekend, I assembled a black half-inch binder containing paperwork, schedules, and lists... and upon arrival found that Matt had made one as well, the only difference being that his was white. It is such a grace to have a partner in organization who thinks the way you do!

2. A slice of humble pie is always fun. We had been told to plan some short presentation to introduce ourselves to the teens and I had elected to use a couple of photos that Andrea had taken of me last summer. One was a very dramatic headshot, in which I look very serious and glamorous. The other was a rather goofy headshot of me pulling my mouth into a grin. I was going to show them both, briefly showing the glam shot, but mostly focusing on the ridiculous one since that is the one that is more authentically me. Alas, technical difficulties occurred, we didn't use my headshots, and I introduced myself with my sister. That was totally fine and cool... and then my dramatic headshot appeared on the projector. And stayed there. For a long time. Finally it was replaced by other peoples' photos... only to return and remain, once again, lingering on the wall. My face. Enormous and dramatically arranged. It is such a grace to have an intensely embarrassing moment in front of 100+ people... occasions for humility can be the moments of vulnerability that allow people to connect with one another.

3. Last time I went on retreat (only a few months ago), the kitchen was great about accommodating my allergies... apart from one slip-up Saturday night that caused me to get pretty sick. Since it had been my own retreat, though, it didn't negatively affect anyone else's experience. I didn't want to risk that occurring when I was really needed on this Confirmation retreat, so I packed all of my own food. I made these quinoa and oat bars with sun butter and maple syrup. I ate one at every meal. The grace here is in the fact that these bars - a recipe I had not previously made or consumed - kept me full and functioning all weekend; I didn't get hungry, I didn't pass out, and I even liked them tolerably well.

4. Speaking of food, I have a pretty funny story to share. Friday night at dinner, I found myself at a table of junior guys. Somehow we ended up talking about fitness, weight lifting, muscle building, etc., and suddenly I found myself being given weight loss advice. They encouraged me to set concrete, small goals and that the feeling of reaching those goals would be the best feeling ever. I listened quite seriously to all they had to say on the subject, but I was definitely laughing on the inside at their earnest intensity in giving such advice to a female chaperone. There is so much grace in laughter and in recalling these funny moments!

5. I got to experience real weather. I know many people were bummed that we had such dreary weather, but it wasn't just boring dreary weather. It was really exciting weather. The wind was positively howling all weekend, the rain started Saturday, but never got really intense, and then on Sunday it snowed. I loved it! It was such an adventure and I never got cold, even though I didn't have a coat! There is a two-fold grace here in that 1) the buildings were well heated and 2) I was so busy that I never sat still long enough to get cold. 

6. Even though I wasn't able to really connect with any particular group of the juniors since I was the supervisory "extra brain" (also known as the "bad cop" in opposition to Matt's "good cop") on the leadership team, I was given the opportunity to really connect and bond with the senior leadership team since I directed the "Fix You" skit this year. It's an intensely emotional skit, immediately following a talk on sin & forgiveness and preceding the hour and a half of confession time. The preparation and rehearsals for the skit all take place outside of the normal retreat meetings so it requires a further time commitment on the part of the team. It was such a grace to get to know each of the teens better through that extra time spent with them. It was such a grace to witness their dedication to giving the juniors a powerful and meaningful illustration of God's love and mercy through their performance. It was such a grace to watch them succeed. I am so proud of them... and that is such a grace to me!

7. In addition to all of this, there were so many unexpected gifts scattered through the weekend:
     - There were sweet girls who made a point to seek me out for one-on-one conversation and advice... which was such an honor, I still can't quite wrap my head around it.
     - Quite a few people told me that they had such a wonderful experience and that they were so inspired by this year's senior leadership team, they would be applying to be on the team next year! I wasn't surprised by the interest expressed by a few of them, but there were several from whom it was a complete (but awesome) surprise.
     - The chaperone situation leading up to retreat was pretty dicey, to say the least. There were a lot of plans that fell through, a lot of maybe's that turned into no's, and it was all pretty stressful and very not-done. The team that ended up coming together was so cool, though! There wasn't a lot of prior acquaintance within the adult leadership team, but over the weekend, a lot of kindred-spiritedness was made manifest.
     - Since I didn't have much of a personal interaction with the teens, I assumed that my impact would be minimal. I thought wrong. I received so many sweet affirmation notes, so many expressions of gratitude for the things I had done, or the one or two very brief things that I said. The fact that my affirmation bag was full of these notes was totally overwhelming.
     - God gave me a huge present by letting me feel so loved by Him during the Mass on Saturday. I don't always experience that at Mass or in prayer, and I've come to really see it as an extra gift from God, not a necessary effect of grace. I always know and believe God loves me, that I receive grace by participating in the Mass, but to feel that love and to have it make me warm, happy, and comforted is a rare and beautiful thing for me.
     - When Saturday night rolled around, we hadn't played the retreat theme song all day and, to be honest, we hadn't even played it more than once during those first 24 hours of retreat. So when we played it after Adoration and the students were suddenly excited and engaged, dancing and singing like crazy, and then calling for an encore during which they rushed the stage in a giant mob... well, it was probably due to some sleep deprivation and crazy teenager group energy... but it was cool.

After the kids left Sunday afternoon and we had cleaned up the cabins and hall,  I suddenly felt both hungry and exhausted. The adrenaline stopped and the sleepiness settled in to stay for a while. I came down the mountain with Matt, who I had briefed on the whole "Bridget & motion sickness" situation, and he was incredibly nice about and cool with"taking it slow" on our drive back. We stopped at a few places along the side of the road to look at some incredible views so Bridget could get her stomach calmed down.

After a successful trip down the hill (no barfing this time! yay!), we did a pretty quick unpack and storing of the supplies. We were all so tired and relaxed and... yeah, mostly tired. We were in Matt's office, talking about something, and it somehow got Andrea and I started making theology jokes... the obscure Trinitarian theology kind of jokes. The other people didn't think we were very funny. But before you all think that my sister and I are totally pretentious, you should know that we laughed long and hard at a fart joke on Brooklyn Nine-Nine later that same evening. Very much not pretentious people here.

Retreat was good. I'm so glad it's over. Not because it is a bad thing, but because I'm not sure how much more I could've done before falling over. I'm glad it happened and it happened well. I'm grateful for each and every person who helped prepare, run, organize, and make this retreat happen. But it's over. And now we can all sleep.

(the photos in this post are mostly an illustration of the evolution in mood some of the adult leadership went through this weekend: excitement, distress, concern, and crazy)

No Soapbox Today

Hey. What's up? I hope you're all doing well. I realized I haven't gotten off my soapbox in quite some time, so I thought that (even though I can't think of anything to talk about) I'd write something soapboxless today. So here's what's going on in my life, in no particular order:

1) I'm leading Bible study for the young adult ministry. I'm so uncomfortable with leading any Bible study that smacks of a) personal revelation and/or b) Biblical exegesis. I resist the first because why would people care about my personal feelings regarding a Scripture verse and the second because I have no educational foundation or authority to interpret Scripture in a non-personal way. But I'm probably growing as a person because of the forced "out of my comfort zone" activity. :)

That said, I'm so excited for Lent to start (never thought you'd hear a Catholic say that, did you?) since our Bible study meetings will not be comprised of Scripture interpretation directly, but on The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. It's so great that all Truth is one in God. Truth, wherever it is found, has its source in God. I'm so grateful for that. Because if I were left with just the Scriptures... well, I would need more grace than I'm currently allowed. ;)

2) I learned in a very tangible way that one should always fully understand not only the assignment given, but the expectations regarding said assignment. Confirmation retreat is coming up. All I'm going to say about this is palancas are great, but I wish I had known they didn't have to be all-time-consuming projects. That's not the expectation and "above and beyond" has involved at least 50 hours of labor. I want to say 100 hours, but that means I'd have spent an hour on each one and that seems like an exaggeration. So I'll leave it at 50.

3) I get so excited when something on my Etsy shop sells. So excited. It's like Christmas every time! So... you should take a look and support my budding business endeavors... :)

4) I'm beginning to lose patience with non-committal individuals. Like the ones who give vague responses to questions, invitations, or suggestions and you're like "WHAT DO YOU WANT???" and you really have to make an effort not to shake them. One of these days, it may happen. (not the committing part. the bridget shaking a person part.)

5) I love babies. So much. And I love men who can hold a baby without looking terrified or like they're going to break said baby. Just throwing that out there.

6) I discovered that I have no idea how to cook for two people. None. I brought some friends dinner after the arrival of their first baby and I brought so much food. I'm looking at the enormous salad, two big chicken breasts, 12 pizza muffins, and chocolate cake and thinking to myself "ooops!" Thank goodness for refrigerators and freezers so extra food isn't wasted, but can be kept for a pretty long time before rotting or getting yucky.

7) Criminal Minds is my new favorite show. I know some of you might be shocked and horrified by that show, but it really doesn't bother me. Mum pointed out the probable cause of my nonchalance is  that I don't trust anyone as it is, so to see human beings doing terrible things to other human beings doesn't surprise me. Which is true. There's not much of a nauseating shock factor for me. I haven't seen all of the various forms that violence and abusive behavior can take, but my response is usually, "yeah, I could see that..." not "oh my gosh there are people like that????" hashtag I have trust issues...

8) I love St. Valentine's Day. It's one of the few days of the year that I can tell all of my friends that I love them and it isn't (quite so) creepy. I love people and I love loving them. It's the best.

I just want to note that I find it funny (like hilarious) that the most celebrated saint day of the year (globally, not just in the Church, because then we'd have to go with one of the Marian feast days) is a feast day on the old Roman calendar. You know that thing that happened in the sixties? Big meeting, lotsa bishops? Yeah, Vatican II. They not only changed the Mass rite in some significant ways, but they also changed a good number of feast days. Including the feast of St. Valentine. February 14th is the feast of St. Valentine on the old calendar, but the new Roman calendar, which is what is ordinarily used (the extraordinary Form of the Mass uses the extraordinary calendar) in the Roman Catholic Church, commemorates the Sts. Cyril and Methodius on February 14th. We don't even have a specific date on which we commemorate St. Valentine on the new calendar.

Does that last paragraph make sense? I hope so. Because I hate when I find something funny, but I can't manage to explain it in a way that makes sense so the hilarity gets lost in a massive amount of confusion.

Alrighty, going to sign off now. Time for palancas... :)

From Boys in YM to Men of Christ | MUORYM

[Part of a new & probably ongoing series of blog posts, which feature My Unsolicited Opinions Regarding Youth Ministry, or MUORYM for typing convenience. The sentiments contained herein are my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes reactionary opinions to the operational duties of youth ministry, its limits, and the most fundamental challenges it faces. If the issues are not fundamental, they will, at least, be the issues that are most distressing to me, myself, and I. In other words, I'm getting on my soapbox. You've been warned.]

I think the majority of youth ministry is designed and run by women. I think this is a good thing. But I also think the predominance of women tangibly affects the programs that we make mandatory for any teenage Catholic who desires to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation.

I think this can make the programs excellent and really accessible for the young ladies seeking formation in their Catholic faith.

But I think that whatever positive effect we see in our girls is mirrored by, if not an overtly negative effect, at least an ill-suited and clumsy application to the boys in the programs.

Youth Ministry is meant to form mature Catholics. God created us in His image; His image is made manifest in us as male and female. Not just human. Not just female. Humanity is comprised of male and female individuals. Men and women are different from one another.

Stating this difference as fact is far less controversial than it was thirty or forty years ago. Sure, it's something that traditional theologians and religions have been saying for years, but now even in academic fields of science, the notion of "sameness" between the sexes is more or less extinct. Those who are leaders in the fields of biology, neurology, sociology, psychology, and pretty much every 'ology that has an opinion on the relation of the sexes are definitive on this matter:

Men are different than women.

Not only are we different biologically, but our neurological wiring is different. They have established that men and women do think differently. We have not evolved to have the same brain. So to any of you who would like to blame this trend in the Church on the pants-wearing feminists who want to make men the same as women, I'm calling you out. That is not the issue here. That's not even an issue anymore. So get your butt in the 21st century, please.

But I digress. The point of these particular paragraphs of ranting are to establish that since men and women are different, but primarily women are involved in youth ministry, then the program is going to be more suited to the feminine mind and soul.

In other words: Confirmation programs tend to be really girly.

-- You Can't Give What You Don't Have

"So what?" you may say. "Just because women plan and run activities doesn't mean the guys won't get anything out of it."

Granted. Young men can get something from the programs we currently implement in parishes. But is "getting something out of it" good enough? Because that's about as good as it's going to get. Why? There is a basic philosophical principle that applies across the board when talking about the relation of cause and effect: you simply cannot give to another that which you do not yourself possess.

For example: the sun gives heat because it, itself, is hot. It affects things according to its nature, so that the effect we see (heat) is directly linked to - and indicative of - the nature of the cause.

We see this clearly in natural occurrences, but on the level of human activity as well. In the Gospel account of St. John, we hear this principle invoked by Christ Himself.

"Pilate therefore said to him, "You will not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you, and power to crucify you?" Jesus answered him, "You would have no power over me unless it had been given you from above."

We have no power other than that which God grants us. God created us male and female. If we admit this bisexuality of humanity, is it so unreasonable to assume that our powers - our abilities as men and women - are different, too?

-- Love vs. Respect

There are a lot of elements that play into one's identity with the masculine or the feminine. In any individual, we see the dominance of particular traits and the lack of others, sometimes as cultivated strengths or as suppressed tendencies. One aspect that is central to our identity as a Christian - as a member of the body of Christ - is our relationship to God. And since God is Love, the relationship we have with Him is a relationship built in the context of that love. We hear it all the time: love God, love your neighbor, love yourself, love the sinner, etc. Everything comes back to love.

This is a little tangent to lead into the next section that may seem a bit like a digression, but I promise that it has a relevant point. I borrowed a book from my roommate when in college on the topic of "what are men thinking/how do they think?" I wish I could remember the title, or even the author, so I apologize for not providing you with that information. (I've tried google searching a few things to see if I can find it, but no luck so far. I'm sorry... I'll keep looking and if I find it, I'll update this post) Unlike many soapbox books that make grand statements about the male psyche and make many generalizations concerning very particular habits or actions of men, this woman used her years of leading couples retreats and then an extensive anonymous polling system of thousands of men from all over the country to gather data and analyze it, just to get to the bottom of why men do what they do the way they do it. She doesn't claim that everything is 100% true for 100% of men. She presents most of her data in graphs and charts with the numbers of people who fell into the various categories of response. This is all a big buildup to lend credibility to the part of this that has a point. It does have a point.

She began every couple's retreat with a simple question: if you have to choose one over the other, would you rather be:

1) Loved, but not respected.

2) Respected, but not loved.

The first time she asked the question, she had everyone in the room keep their eyes shut when they raised their hands. Would you rather be loved, but not respected? Hands blindly raised and then lowered. Would you rather be respected, but not loved? Hands blindly raised and then lowered.

Then instructing them to keep their answer the same, she asked them to open their eyes while she repeated the questions so that the men and women in the room could see who responded in what way.

Here's what she found: statistically, the majority of women would rather have love without respect and the majority of men would rather have respect without love. The statistics weren't 100%, or even 95%, but generally around 80-85% of the men on the retreats and in her polling would rather be respected without love, while approximately the same percentages of the women would rather be loved without respect.

Now obviously, if you think about it in an objective and healthy manner, love and respect are both integral to a good relationship. One might argue that love without respect isn't really love, but more like affection. Just for clarity, we'll call it that from here on out in this post.

When you start out in a relationship - romantic or not - you have to build to love. You don't automatically love one person with your whole being with them reciprocating in kind. You have to build from the bottom up. For women, affection is commonly that foundation. For men, that foundation is typically respect.

If this affection is foundational to a woman's relationship, then where does that put respect? Respect is not strictly a consequence of a woman's affection for another, but in a way it's the fruit of the relationship in action. For men, affection seems to follow after respect in much the same way.

The point that I'm writing around and around and around and am afraid to come out and say it because I'm afraid you'll all flip out at me is this:

Women can withhold respect while giving affection on their path to love.
Men can withhold affection while giving respect on their path to love.

Women teach the youth of the Church about the love of God.
... So are we teaching love or could we just be teaching affection?

Have we impressed upon them importance of respect, or has that been left as an aside? Do the young men know that respect of God is solid and a necessary foundation from which they should start? Do we give them what they need to build that relationship with God to a place of loving Him? Because right now, what I'm seeing does not do that. We talk about the love of God, but respect? What was the last time you heard about any retreat, not even restricting it to youth retreats, where the message was focused on the proper respect for God? Sounds funny, doesn't it? But a retreat on the proper love of God? Totally standard.

Now, now, you say, God isn't respect. God is love. And that love should include respect. That's why it's the retreat theme.

Yes. Yes, it should. That is all true. But with women designing, running, organizing, talking, and having a finger in every formative pie of a parish, do you really think that we won't tend to lean too heavily on the foundational pillar of affection for God? If 80%-85% of us women would rather have love than respect from a human being in our lives, don't you think that's going to have an impact on how we women teach the teenagers about their relationship with God?

Youth ministry is intensely focused, and rightly so, on helping teens form a personal relationship with Jesus, but do we think about the differences between the young men and young women in our group? Do we think about how those differences will affect the relationships they have with God? How it will affect all of their relationships, whether it be with their parents, their friends, or their formation team leaders? What are we teaching them about building relationships? Are we giving them what they need, as young men and young women, specifically?

-- Man Up, Gentlemen

So this is me standing on my bloggish soapbox, calling each one of you men out on the carpet.

Do you see a lack of teenage guys on the retreat leadership team? Look back at your retreat planning last year. Did you really address the importance and need for strength and courage in Christian men?

Do you see a lack of young men attending Sunday Mass? Look at the formation and instruction they were given and the support they had available to them. Was it really what they needed as boys learning how to be men?

Women can't give what they don't have. We have a certain 'feminine genius', which should not be underestimated or undervalued, but men, we need your masculine genius. How will the high school guys learn how to be mature Catholic men from me? They can't, at least not in a whole and complete way.

You, my dear men, need to get up and get involved.

The differences between men and women should be noted and celebrated as good. We are complementary in so many ways, on so many levels. But we cannot complement each other if our education does not foster that difference. God created each of us from Love, and for Love, in His image, both male and female. From love, for love, as men and women. We need to acknowledge the differences. Then we need to take a good, long look at our Confirmation preparation programs and ask: what are we doing to form men in Christ? What's missing? What can we do better?

I'm listening...

 

What Are We All Doing Here? | MUORYM

[The first in a new & probably ongoing series of blog posts, which feature My Unsolicited Opinions Regarding Youth Ministry, or MUORYM for typing convenience. The sentiments contained herein are my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes reactionary opinions to the operational duties of youth ministry, its limits, and the most fundamental challenges it faces. If the issues are not fundamental, they will, at least, at least, be the issues that are most distressing to me, myself, and I. In other words, I'm getting on my soapbox. You've been warned.]

~~~

Dear Candidates, Sponsors, and Parents,

What are we all doing here?

This meeting is part of the parish's attempt to prepare all of us for the Rite of Confirmation, in whatever capacity we shall be participating in it. Approximately a third the people in this room will be receiving the Sacrament directly. For you, Confirmation marks, quite literally, the beginning of a new phase of your life. The rest of us in this room have already received this Sacrament. Our role - especially you, parents and sponsors - is to be models and guides fot those preparing and beginning their lives as confirmed - in other words, mature - Catholics. The school of experience cannot be overvalued; your duty, then, is to share that experience of your own real life lived in you own real faith. But all of us in this room, whether we are preparing to receive the Sacrament or striving to live a life of example as a confirmed Catholic, must have an answer to this fundamental question:

What is Confirmation?

Confirmation is one of the Church's "Sacraments of Initiation." These three sacraments - Baptism, Confirmation, and the Holy Eucharist - are what most Catholics, even those without knowledge of grand Theological complexities, seek from the Church. On a sociological level, they are regarded as rites of passage. Many couples who present their babies to be Baptized in the Church, many children who prepare to receive their First Holy Communion, as well any number of teens attending a Confirmation program have never attended Sunday Mass with any consistency or regularity. Nevertheless, these three Sacraments are valued as milestones in the life of a growing child.

This sociological significance is directly tied to the Sacramental significance, and could even be regarded as being an effect of its Sacramental reality. St. Thomas Aquinas, when discussing these three Sacraments, draws our attention to the fact these three Sacraments are proportioned to the three things that are per se necessary for natural life, namely, birth, growth, and nutrition. The three processes that must occur for one to live, and live well, naturally are paralleled in these three Sacraments of Initiation, which allow us to live, and live well, spiritually. 

Birth

Jesus illustrates this parallel with unmistakeable clarity in His Gospel (John 3:3-7, RSV)

Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born anew, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” Nicode′mus said to him, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.  Do not marvel that I said to you, ‘You must be born anew.’

For every created thing, there is a beginning of existence. Every being that comes into existence has a moment of birth. That moment marks the beginning of that creature's life, existing in a new manner; birth is the moment where a creature is granted a certain independent identity. When a baby is born, the intense intimacy with the mother is ended; the baby has a separate, outside-of-any-other-person, existence. When a seed sprouts, when a chicken hatches from an egg, when a baby is born, a new natural thing is taking up its place in the natural order. It is an entity in the world.

Baptism is the birth of spirit through the Spirit. Baptism is what grants us life, and removes from us our participation in humanity's inherited death. It allows us to be reunited to God so that our natural life might be able to ascend to the glory of supernatural life with God. Each one of us in this room have been Baptized and have, thereby, been born into the Church. We have been granted existence as individuals in the unity of Christ's mystical body. We are an entity in the Church.

Nutrition

(You may have noticed that I've switched the order as initially stated, placing nutrition before growth. There are reasons for the order given by St. Thomas and reasons for the revised order of Sacramental administration, but I won't get into them here. Another topic for another day and the finesse of philosophical distinctions to make sense of the superiority of one order over the other is not our business currently. I also doubt anyone else would find them very interesting.)

While birth has a certain primacy in respect to necessity, -- its the condition on which all other conditions are dependent (you can't live life in any way, good or bad, if you aren't born to live -- nutrition has the unique quality of being a recurring event, rather than a one-time occurrence. While one is only born once, one must eat consistently throughout one's life if one is to remain alive. A life without nutrition would end rather soon after having begun.

So God, in His goodness, has also appointed a Sacrament to nourish us spiritually. This spiritual nourishment, the life-sustaining food gifted to us by God, is the Holy Eucharist. God has gifted God to us. In order that we might be united with Him spiritually, He becomes present to us substantially in the Eucharist. He doesn't just give us food that gives us His grace. He is our food. And just as we couldn't have a sustained or good natural life without nourishing food, we could not have a sustained or good spiritual life without the nourishing food of the Eucharist.

I could get much more comprehension in my treatment of this subject, but the question here isn't "What is the Eucharist?", so I won't. I'll leave it at that. But there is so much more that could be said. I hope you appreciate my self-control.

Growth

So now, finally, I'll get to answering the question I said we all needed to answer: what is Confirmation?

To begin with the parallel found in nature: every being with a soul - that is alive - has a process of development. When a baby boy is born, he is male, but yet he is not a man. He must grow into to being a man, in physical stature and capacity, as well as mental and emotional maturity. We have a colloquial expression for this change. We refer to it as "growing up", and one who has undergone this change has "grown up." This change doesn't happen overnight, or at a consistent rate or stage of an individual child's development. Yet we recognize that a man is the same person as the boy we met ten years ago; he has simply grown. He doesn't change from being less human to more human. None of us can acquire more human nature than that which we have from our beginning. The change is a growth in his ability to exercise the fullness of that nature.

So this aspect that is per se necessary for life to be is what we see paralleled sacramentally in Confirmation. A person, born into the unity of the Mystical Body of Christ at Baptism, must grow in that identity. Confirmation is that growth, that grace, which changes a soul. Just as we expect a boy to change into a man, we should also expect a person to mature in their spirituality. This growth doesn't mean we have more of a soul, it doesn't mean we have a different soul than we did at Baptism. It means that we have grown in our ability to live in, and thus act in, God's love. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit - not like a room sealed off from contaminants, but sealed by His mark. We are designated as belonging to God in a more mature, deliberate, and active way.

Catholic is not a quality, it's a state of being. We are called to be Catholic. Confirmation is what signifies and causes a growth in us. It changes our faith, not so that it's a different kind of faith than that which we received at Baptism, but so that it's matured in its development. Jesus tells us repeatedly in His Gospel that faith always bears fruit. He even goes as far as to say that faith as small as a mustard seed will bear great fruit. If there is no fruit, that can only be because there is not even a little seed of faith from which it could grow.

Confirmation gifts us a greater union with Christ in his Body, the Church. It grants us the grace to will that unity with the totality of our beings, with a deliberate and constant choice to Love and Be Loved. It is the grace to live Catholic.

So you, Candidates, are preparing to receive the gift of maturity in your faith. God will gift you the grace of growth from that seed, so that you might bear His fruit to the world. You will be entrusted with His Love, not only for yourself, but for others. That is the gift God is giving you. He is causing and marking your growth. That is Confirmation.

And you, parents and sponsors, are guardians of that growing faith. You were entrusted with that same fruitful love at your own Confirmation. Now, as part of your duty to live Catholic, you must help these young people as they begin their own journey of living Catholic. You are to be an example of this growth and maturity, an example of humility in gratitude, and example of God's love to the world. You must also tend to the growth the faith in these teens, always aiming to help and never hinder its development.

In all of this, remember to lean on Christ. That applies equally to every single one of us in this room. Whether yours is a baby faith, a tired faith, a scared faith, a happy faith, a big faith - label your faith as you will - it is a gift. It comes from Christ, it grows in Christ, and it is all for Christ.

So lean on Him. He is why we're here.

Day 15 (a little on the late side)

Sometimes you get really excited.

You get so very excited to talk about the source and summit of our Faith - the Eucharist - with your class of teens. Your mind is constantly boggled by its intensity and you're so excited because you are in a position to share that intensity with others... because no one else will tell them, you think to yourself. Pat yourself on the back, prepare for the wonder and awe of it all...

and then? Then Jesus laughs a bit and says:

"Oh, my dear and silly Bridget. You don't impart that wonder and awe and love. I do."

And this is so so so important for you to remember... so sometimes Jesus makes it impossible for you to take it into your own hands.

So, class yesterday found me with about 10% of a voice, incredibly tired lungs, and one of the most ear splitting migraines I've had in a while. All of those cool facts, golden nuggets of truth, and philosophical distinctions that are mere human attempts to better our understanding of the mysteries of Faith took a bit of a back seat while I administered medications, vomited, and curled up in the back corner of the large storage closet.

So, I didn't talk as much as I planned. But it was a solid reminder that I don't really do anything. I am not the origin of their faith, I cannot deepen the faith of these teens. Faith is a gift, faith is grace, and I cannot give that gift. I cannot dispense grace. Jesus gives them the greatest Gift of Himself... and does it all Himself.

So the Eucharist class, my favorite class of the year, was an opportunity for humility and trust. It found me with a head of rumpled curls (bobby pins are not friends to migraine enduring heads), a cardigan wrapped around my throat in an attempt to keep it warm and thereby keep some semblance of a voice, and an inability to construct intelligible sentences.

But it was still good. The Brother was our guest speaker, we played our trivia game as planned, and I think we all learned something. God is good, all the time.

Sometimes the only way God can get me to let go of things and let Him have them is through a very visceral, physical inability to hold on to anything at all. Then He takes those messy, painful, crazy, important, living, confused, confusing, wonderful, and terrible things and makes them good.

And I go, "ooooooh, yeah... You're God... I'm not."

But back to unwrapping the Greatest Gift...

Why I Do Youth Ministry

I don't clearly remember many moments of my life.

Oh, I remember general things: feelings of happiness, confusion, excitement, enjoyment...

I remember events: vacations, classes, park days, concerts, hospital visits...

But moments? Not so much.

There is one, though.

A thirteen year old girl sitting on the floor of the conference room, attending a retreat meant for her older sister's confirmation class. The sisters had gone together, the younger having been granted special provision by the youth minister to attend.

She sat there surrounded by other, slightly-older-than-her teenagers. Together, they had been playing games, making up skits, learning hand motions for praise and worship songs.

And that thirteen year old girl? She made herself a promise.

She looked up at the chaperones, the twenty-somethings who were running the retreat, and she promised herself that one day she would be one of them. But she would be different.

Because this thirteen year old girl was bored. She was humiliated. She was frustrated that this candied version of Catholicism was what they were given. They had deemed the teenagers to be "too young" for the tough, intense, real stuff.

She was... angry.

They were being spoon-fed a watered down, mushed up version of the faith. It was packaged in a basic, intensely feeling-centric, "fun" bundle. "When I'm an adult," she promised herself on a sunny Saturday afternoon in the mountains, "I'm going to run a retreat that is actually Catholic."

Yeah, I was that thirteen year old kid with what could very well be called a bad attitude.

The problem was it wasn't the kind of bad attitude that retreats are designed to conquer. This kind of bad attitude was exacerbated by the very same things intended to eradicate the bad attitudes. 

Fast forward eleven years.

I was on retreat yet again, same place, much different setting. Well, not so different. We still played a lot of games, did arts and crafts, shared our feelings, and were kept so busy that you barely had a moment to think. But those things were countered by witness talks that were big, important, life changing stories.

Big pits of despair, loneliness, and loss were suddenly filled by an overflowing amount of light, happiness, and joy. It was like a magic trick.

What was black became suddenly white. Was was infinitely heavy became now unimaginably light.

The faith of a Catholic was presented -- maybe even dropped into our laps -- as the biggest, most important, enormous, and overwhelming state of life. 

... but what was the same? Where was the touch of sameness between the thirteen year old heart and the twenty-four year old one? The uncomfortable feeling. Something was still missing. I was still somehow wrong. My faith didn't match the paradigm. Before my faith seemed too grown up. Now my faith was so little, so not dramatic.

Listening to those talks, I recognized nothing of their tales in my own life. And if these were the people chosen to present the wonders of our Catholic faith to other young adults, well, then... I must be doing it wrong.

Because my faith isn't that way. It never has been that way.

My faith has been quiet, persistent, constant. Sometimes it has been full of warmth. At other times it has felt coolly routine. Some days it has been easy to be loving. On others, it has been impossible to feel loved. It has highs and lows, but they aren't cliffs and canyons... just gentle hills.

It has never been fluffy. It has never been dramatic.

Mostly? It's been in the little things.

I haven't had any grand conversion. No moment where I shouted "I choose YOU!" to Christ because that was never even a question.

People talk about "coming of age" in their faith. A pivotal moment. A maturity. A new face. A new life. A new love. A habit that suddenly become enormously substantial and meaningful.

But mine? only a steady, nearly imperceptible progress in its slowness and subtlety.

And you know what? That's ok.

But you know what isn't ok? That no one told me that. People told me to look for the grand, mysterious gestures of God in my life. I would see those graces and my life would be changed forever. But that isn't the whole story.

Most of the grace? It's in the little things.

And that's ok. Not just ok, actually. That is perfect. Some of the most perfect faith is found between the fluff and the weighty.

The gift of faith doesn't need to be a big package, brightly wrapped and tied up with ribbons. It doesn't need to make its presence known with grand fanfare. In fact, the gift of faith is in the tiny, in the corners, in the itty bitty things that fill our days, weeks, months, and years. Those gifts even fill our minutes if we only stop to look.

Sometimes that retreat team tries so hard to reach everyone, that they can miss most of everyone.

That thirteen year old girl is keeping her promise. That thirteen year old girl -- that younger-but-just-as-impatient, version of me -- is why I do youth ministry. For the teens who feel that youth group is a place where adults condescendingly share bits of the faith, because they are judged to be too young for the real stuff.

But I know now that I also need to do it for the teens who lack a flash-bang dramatic moment in their faith. The teens that feel their faith is inadequate simply because it lacks drama and charisma.

I have to do it for the Catholics who feel too big or too small, but never just right.

Because if they are truly united in Christ, they can never be anything but just right.

They just have to find Him.

And my deepest hope is that I would be able help them do that.