I think the majority of youth ministry is designed and run by women. I think this is a good thing. But I also think the predominance of women tangibly affects the programs that we make mandatory for any teenage Catholic who desires to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation.
I think this can make the programs excellent and really accessible for the young ladies seeking formation in their Catholic faith.
But I think that whatever positive effect we see in our girls is mirrored by, if not an overtly negative effect, at least an ill-suited and clumsy application to the boys in the programs.
Youth Ministry is meant to form mature Catholics. God created us in His image; His image is made manifest in us as male and female. Not just human. Not just female. Humanity is comprised of male and female individuals. Men and women are different from one another.
Stating this difference as fact is far less controversial than it was thirty or forty years ago. Sure, it's something that traditional theologians and religions have been saying for years, but now even in academic fields of science, the notion of "sameness" between the sexes is more or less extinct. Those who are leaders in the fields of biology, neurology, sociology, psychology, and pretty much every 'ology that has an opinion on the relation of the sexes are definitive on this matter:
Men are different than women.
Not only are we different biologically, but our neurological wiring is different. They have established that men and women do think differently. We have not evolved to have the same brain. So to any of you who would like to blame this trend in the Church on the pants-wearing feminists who want to make men the same as women, I'm calling you out. That is not the issue here. That's not even an issue anymore. So get your butt in the 21st century, please.
But I digress. The point of these particular paragraphs of ranting are to establish that since men and women are different, but primarily women are involved in youth ministry, then the program is going to be more suited to the feminine mind and soul.
In other words: Confirmation programs tend to be really girly.
-- You Can't Give What You Don't Have
"So what?" you may say. "Just because women plan and run activities doesn't mean the guys won't get anything out of it."
Granted. Young men can get something from the programs we currently implement in parishes. But is "getting something out of it" good enough? Because that's about as good as it's going to get. Why? There is a basic philosophical principle that applies across the board when talking about the relation of cause and effect: you simply cannot give to another that which you do not yourself possess.
For example: the sun gives heat because it, itself, is hot. It affects things according to its nature, so that the effect we see (heat) is directly linked to - and indicative of - the nature of the cause.
We see this clearly in natural occurrences, but on the level of human activity as well. In the Gospel account of St. John, we hear this principle invoked by Christ Himself.
"Pilate therefore said to him, "You will not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you, and power to crucify you?" Jesus answered him, "You would have no power over me unless it had been given you from above."We have no power other than that which God grants us. God created us male and female. If we admit this bisexuality of humanity, is it so unreasonable to assume that our powers - our abilities as men and women - are different, too?
-- Love vs. Respect
There are a lot of elements that play into one's identity with the masculine or the feminine. In any individual, we see the dominance of particular traits and the lack of others, sometimes as cultivated strengths or as suppressed tendencies. One aspect that is central to our identity as a Christian - as a member of the body of Christ - is our relationship to God. And since God is Love, the relationship we have with Him is a relationship built in the context of that love. We hear it all the time: love God, love your neighbor, love yourself, love the sinner, etc. Everything comes back to love.
This is a little tangent to lead into the next section that may seem a bit like a digression, but I promise that it has a relevant point. I borrowed a book from my roommate when in college on the topic of "what are men thinking/how do they think?" I wish I could remember the title, or even the author, so I apologize for not providing you with that information. (I've tried google searching a few things to see if I can find it, but no luck so far. I'm sorry... I'll keep looking and if I find it, I'll update this post) Unlike many soapbox books that make grand statements about the male psyche and make many generalizations concerning very particular habits or actions of men, this woman used her years of leading couples retreats and then an extensive anonymous polling system of thousands of men from all over the country to gather data and analyze it, just to get to the bottom of why men do what they do the way they do it. She doesn't claim that everything is 100% true for 100% of men. She presents most of her data in graphs and charts with the numbers of people who fell into the various categories of response. This is all a big buildup to lend credibility to the part of this that has a point. It does have a point.
She began every couple's retreat with a simple question: if you have to choose one over the other, would you rather be:
1) Loved, but not respected.
2) Respected, but not loved.
The first time she asked the question, she had everyone in the room keep their eyes shut when they raised their hands. Would you rather be loved, but not respected? Hands blindly raised and then lowered. Would you rather be respected, but not loved? Hands blindly raised and then lowered.
Then instructing them to keep their answer the same, she asked them to open their eyes while she repeated the questions so that the men and women in the room could see who responded in what way.
Here's what she found: statistically, the majority of women would rather have love without respect and the majority of men would rather have respect without love. The statistics weren't 100%, or even 95%, but generally around 80-85% of the men on the retreats and in her polling would rather be respected without love, while approximately the same percentages of the women would rather be loved without respect.
Now obviously, if you think about it in an objective and healthy manner, love and respect are both integral to a good relationship. One might argue that love without respect isn't really love, but more like affection. Just for clarity, we'll call it that from here on out in this post.
When you start out in a relationship - romantic or not - you have to build to love. You don't automatically love one person with your whole being with them reciprocating in kind. You have to build from the bottom up. For women, affection is commonly that foundation. For men, that foundation is typically respect.
If this affection is foundational to a woman's relationship, then where does that put respect? Respect is not strictly a consequence of a woman's affection for another, but in a way it's the fruit of the relationship in action. For men, affection seems to follow after respect in much the same way.
The point that I'm writing around and around and around and am afraid to come out and say it because I'm afraid you'll all flip out at me is this:
Women can withhold respect while giving affection on their path to love.
Men can withhold affection while giving respect on their path to love.
Women teach the youth of the Church about the love of God.
... So are we teaching love or could we just be teaching affection?
Have we impressed upon them importance of respect, or has that been left as an aside? Do the young men know that respect of God is solid and a necessary foundation from which they should start? Do we give them what they need to build that relationship with God to a place of loving Him? Because right now, what I'm seeing does not do that. We talk about the love of God, but respect? What was the last time you heard about any retreat, not even restricting it to youth retreats, where the message was focused on the proper respect for God? Sounds funny, doesn't it? But a retreat on the proper love of God? Totally standard.
Now, now, you say, God isn't respect. God is love. And that love should include respect. That's why it's the retreat theme.
Yes. Yes, it should. That is all true. But with women designing, running, organizing, talking, and having a finger in every formative pie of a parish, do you really think that we won't tend to lean too heavily on the foundational pillar of affection for God? If 80%-85% of us women would rather have love than respect from a human being in our lives, don't you think that's going to have an impact on how we women teach the teenagers about their relationship with God?
Youth ministry is intensely focused, and rightly so, on helping teens form a personal relationship with Jesus, but do we think about the differences between the young men and young women in our group? Do we think about how those differences will affect the relationships they have with God? How it will affect all of their relationships, whether it be with their parents, their friends, or their formation team leaders? What are we teaching them about building relationships? Are we giving them what they need, as young men and young women, specifically?
-- Man Up, Gentlemen
So this is me standing on my bloggish soapbox, calling each one of you men out on the carpet.
Do you see a lack of teenage guys on the retreat leadership team? Look back at your retreat planning last year. Did you really address the importance and need for strength and courage in Christian men?
Do you see a lack of young men attending Sunday Mass? Look at the formation and instruction they were given and the support they had available to them. Was it really what they needed as boys learning how to be men?
Women can't give what they don't have. We have a certain 'feminine genius', which should not be underestimated or undervalued, but men, we need your masculine genius. How will the high school guys learn how to be mature Catholic men from me? They can't, at least not in a whole and complete way.
You, my dear men, need to get up and get involved.
The differences between men and women should be noted and celebrated as good. We are complementary in so many ways, on so many levels. But we cannot complement each other if our education does not foster that difference. God created each of us from Love, and for Love, in His image, both male and female. From love, for love, as men and women. We need to acknowledge the differences. Then we need to take a good, long look at our Confirmation preparation programs and ask: what are we doing to form men in Christ? What's missing? What can we do better?
I'm listening...
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