Post-Publication Caveat

I'd like to clarify a couple of things about last night's post.

First, it was not intended to offend or point fingers at others. It was only meant to be an honest expression of how confused and sorry I am. I did something wrong and I don't know how to forgive myself or how to not repeat it. My post was not a reflection on anyone but myself, although I do believe that our world would benefit from becoming a more unconditionally loving place.

Second, I know that I usually post more constructive things. A problem and a solution. A more philosophical approach to a problem. But for those of you who haven't been here for this whole blogging ride of mine, I started this blog to chronicle my efforts to become a good, strong, Catholic young woman. I am twenty-two years old and I make mistakes. Horrible mistakes sometimes. In last night's post, I was attempting to share a piece of my heart that indicates the trial and error and (sometimes) utter confusion of this process.

Third, the fact that some might have been offended by my post is an example of what I was trying express. This is me. I am sharing myself with you in an effort to help both myself and my readers. Do I really have to keep what's honestly on my heart and mind locked away where no one can see it? 

I don't have an answer to the problem of emotional blackmail. I am sorry if my honest and open sharing of that fact offends you. I am sorry if you found that post to be "to much information" or too personal. I hope you know that it was not intended to upset or offend. It was merely an honest confession.

Honest Confession

"You're emotionally blackmailing him," someone told me. The words hit me like a slap in the face. Even now, two years later, I still feel my stomach clench into a knot at the memory.

It doesn't help that the "him" referred to above used those words himself about me only a few weeks ago. Words that he vehemently and angrily disagreed with two years ago. Now he repeats them without qualification.

After everything that has happened, I'm not sure it's possible to avoid being accused of such a thing. I don't know if it's possible for one human being to be honestly hurting and honestly asking for help without the possibility of it being interpreted as emotional blackmail.

As far as I can tell, someone who has committed such an offense is guilty of sharing too much fear, too much hurt, and expressing too much trust in a friend.

In all honesty, I don't know how to not repeat this. All I did was be honest with someone for once in my life about how I felt. I felt alone and scared out of my mind. He assured me that he'd help me. After years, I finally learned to trust him. I trusted him not to hurt me and told him so. Apparently, therein lies my offense. When I told him that I trusted him and that I expected him not to hurt me, I was being manipulative.

So, what am I supposed to do? Not trust people or simply not tell them that I trust them?

Both of those options are too absurd to be considered.

I guess I'm left to continue muddling my way through life, scared of being an inconvenient presence that manipulates people into closer friendships with me than they desire to have. If this is the reality of the world we live in, it's a sad and sorry place. Isn't mankind supposed to be there for one another? Aren't we supposed to love others without conditions?

I am so sorry that I did this to someone. It makes me ill just to think that someone could think that about me. But I did. Now I just have to figure out how - and what - to learn from it.

Because right now, I don't have a clue.

A Lesson in Forgiveness

My former boss called me a stubborn ass as I lay on the floor, struggling to breathe. I wheezed out a laugh. If he only knew the half of it.

I am stubborn beyond reason. Faced with arguments and facts to the contrary, I charge fearlessly into whatever situation, holding firmly to the belief that I know best.

I always thought of myself as a very forgiving person. I don't hold grudges. Or, rather, I thought I didn't.

I came to the realization that the reason that I forgive so easily is that I do not usually blame others for my pain, but I blame myself. It is not their fault, it's mine. I trusted them too soon or too much. I depended on them unfairly. Etc. It is easy for me to forgive them because, in my mind, there is nothing to forgive them for.

But when a situation comes up that I wholly and firmly believe was the other person's fault... well, it takes a lot for me to forgive them.

I am a stubborn ass. 

It takes a tragedy to make me realize how blessed I am.

It makes me realize that the grudge I was holding - the anger I was feeling - was not as important as I had led myself to believe.

Love and friendship... well, they're more important. But this still didn't give me the answer I needed. The answer to how I can forgive. How do you un-break your heart?

I learned this lesson from a very wise woman:

Your heart cannot forgive.
That's why He gave you His.

When the heart beating in you is Christ's, you can forgive in a heartbeat.

When I came down the stairs this morning to a newspaper with the pictures of twenty sweet children, smiling and full of joy, the anger and pride gave way to tears. There are twenty-six families who will be heart-broken this Christmas. Who will not be able to tell someone how much they are loved.

And the fact that I am still able to do so is something that I cannot ignore. It is a fact that demands attention. And action. 

Do not let pride, anger, and resentment hold you back from those whom God has given to you to be loved.