A Wedding Toast

(or "A clear example of why Bridget should not be allowed to have a microphone to give a toast because this is what she would want to say")

I'd like to propose a toast to my aunt and her newlywed husband! I hope they have a lovely life together. Thankfully, we already know they will. How do we know this? Because we are the Argenti family. The Argenti family always does everything according to a precise pattern and in keeping with tradition. Everything, so far, has gone according to schedule, as it should. Innovation is not encouraged in this family.

We need a bit of family history to make the pattern clear to those outside. In 1987, Marilyn and Aldo's oldest daughter got married. She then had three children, two girls followed by a boy. Then there was a long period of stability in the Argenti family - three children, one son-in-law, three grandchildren.

In 2001, a change occurred. Marilyn and Aldo's youngest daughter got married. She then had two children, one girl followed by a boy. There had been no weddings for 14 years and no babies for 9 years - we were excited for the familial expansion. Following the expansion, there was another long period of stability in Marilyn and Aldo's family - three children, two sons-in-law, and five grandchildren.

Fast forward to the present day. 13 years have passed since the last wedding. Nearly 8 years have passed since the last baby was born. It must be time for another marriage. Now, in my perfectionist pattern-recognition brain, I wasn't really expecting the wedding until a year from June, but Craig doesn't apparently adhere to Argenti traditions as strictly as Chris and Aaron did. I pray every night that this breaking from tradition doesn't cause the earth to open under my feet. If it does, it's on you, Craig.

If the rest of the pattern holds true, though, we should expect this marriage to produce one child: a baby boy. Then there will be another period of stability, one that doesn't have any foreseeable disruption. Marilyn and Aldo's family will be established in a precise pattern: three daughters, three sons-in-law, three granddaughters, and three grandsons. It's the kind of symmetry that my grandmother would've wanted. It has occurred on a regular - although occasionally slightly rushed - schedule.

Welcome to the family, Craig. Welcome to the insane circus that is the Argenti family. We will hold you to a tight schedule of happiness and familial bliss.

Cheers!