hahahahaha

My grandpa sent us these. Thought I'd share:

LARRY THE CABLE GUY SAYS:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.


9. Support bacteria. They 're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22 . Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

One fantastic thing about old people, is they have extra time to sit around and email hysterically funny (or occasionally lamely funny) things like this around. One terrible thing about being young is having to go apply for jobs. Like me. Tomorrow. Please pray for me (after you stop laughing at the above, of course).

Mia Familia

Out to dinner last night, I was telling Mum, Dad, and Scott about a mini-conversation I had the day previously with Andrea and one of her fellow pelicans. The topic? Food. We were discussing (for about one minute) the difference in guys' and girls' relationships to food.

I was explaining our findings when Dad said, "But your answer is right at the beginning of the conversation. Girls have a relationship with food. Guys just eat it."

While I was busy laughing at this, Mum asked Scott, "Do you have a relationship with food, Scott?"

"I do right now," Scott replied. "I mean, you can't get more into a relationship with something than eating it."

Yeah, that's my family. Good times, good times. :D

Poor Kid

Every morning at daily Mass, a little girl of approximately eleven years sings an entrance, Communion, and recessional hymn. She does pretty well; her pitch is great and her timing is good. For an eleven year old, she's phenomenal!

This morning, while singing "Though the Mountains May Fall" (or whatever it's called) she got a terrible case of the hiccups. At totally random intervals, she would hiccup really loudly. She had courage and tenacity though -- she got through the whole thing without completely busting up laughing. It had to have been dreadfully embarrassing...I don't think I could've gotten through it. Like I said, she's a brave little kid.

I had to hide my face behind my book to keep her from seeing how hard I was laughing. It was AWESOMELY funny.

Poor kid.

CAPing it off

I'd love to see my brother's squadron do this!

Flubs

Some recent slip-ups of the English language as displayed by people around me in the past couple of days.

"I, shamefully enough, took advantage of that atmosphere of animosity." He meant anonymity. And HE was a literature major.

"He wants to change the world and be the kind of person who people will listen to." My beloved sis was talking of someone who I always thought of as very down to earth and humble. Apparently she meant "will talk to." Otherwise the poor guy will become a dictator of a severe magnitude.

"I'm her sister." Spoken by my brother. Poor guy.

"It would seem necessary for the evolution of the human species." I MEANT propagation.

"For all you sopranos who don't have the music, I'm going to challenge you not to look at it." Another bit of proof that our choir director is really intelligent.

Ah, life. Mr. Bennet summarized it marvelously, I believe: "For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn."

"Actually Sort of Decent"

My Jewish uncle sent my family these. And, if you know my uncle, the above statement is praise of the highest kind. So, without further ado:

JEWISH HAIKU

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.

On Passover we
opened the door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.

Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.

The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.

Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.

Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!

Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

A lovely nose ring,
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness.

And since we're in an Eastern mode, here' s some
Jewish Buddhism for the Jewbu's among us:

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without
problems.
What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single Oy.

Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the
least of your problems.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a
symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says,
Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says,
There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.

A note from your bagel: If His chosen people have a sense of humour, can that be used as proof that He does? :D