{on a cheerful note}

A layout for my mama :)

Blog Your Heart, September

I've never done one of these before, but I felt inspired by my new hero. And these days I have a lot on my heart. Maybe none of it is that important, but the pile of little things makes it necessary to remind myself to keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other. I can do this.

If you don't know the "rules," you can follow the link above to Stephanie's blog where she's listed the rules along with her BYH post. :)

1. I don't have any local friends... and this makes me sad. I have a lot of friends... but they're all up at school or moved away to other parts of the country... or, in some cases, Europe. I have the young adults from the parish, but I'm not close to any of them. I have what Aristotle would call "friendships of pleasure" - I enjoy their company, but it doesn't go beyond that. It feels shallow and dry... at least for now. Maybe after I've been here longer, things will get better. Trying to live with hope over here.

2. I hate my job. Ok, maybe that's too strong. I dislike my job. I don't find fulfillment in it or look forward to it. It's mind numbing repetitive tasks that don't require any brain power. I tested this by listening to music while I did it the other day... and I could do it just as quickly. I always did homework with music, but it definitely slowed me down a bit. I wish I could derive some pleasure from it... but no. *sigh*

3. I don't like having a pharmacy living in my stomach. I am on so many pills... all for hormonal imbalances. And I never wanted to be "that person." I know that sometimes prescriptions have to get filled, that it's not my fault, etc. I know all of the "right answers." I just don't like it. I don't like needing help. I like... helping.

4. I miss my best friend. This one's a long story, but it's probably the #1 thing on my heart and mind right now. I just miss him. I feel like I'm walking around with a large part of me missing. And it hurts. I don't see this changing... the definition of stupidity is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. So I'm trying to stop missing him... but as soon as I think about it at all, I start crying. Honestly... it would be easier if I could be mad at him.

5. Grad school scares me. Driving scares me. Life scares me. Apparently, that has something to do with my hormonal imbalances, but it's an unpleasant feeling. Everything scares me.

6. On a positive note, I love scrapbooking. It's my new outlet to relax and have some quiet time. It doesn't really require thinking, so it allows for some quiet, non-stressed time. I just focus on the task at hand... and then I'm happy. :)

That's all I can think of at the moment. Happy Sunday!

Titleless, Even

A mostly wordless post about a titleless layout. Nothing was coming to me. So I just embellished it like crazy. Bahaha!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love scrapbooking? and my big brother superhero? and doilies???

Wordless

I'm too tired to use words. So I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

But "Queen on Screen" was so epically 80s... definitely worth the brain-dead state in which it left me.

And in case you were wondering, I did this layout before watching a Queen concert on the big screen and sitting in Charger's game traffic. Just on the off-chance that wasn't self-explanatory.

Grimm Drama

If you live anywhere in southern California and you are at all associated with the Catholic Church, you know a Grimm. If you don't know a Grimm, then you've at least heard of the Grimm family. 17 children, 150+ grandchildren, etc. They are everywhere. Outside of southern California, it's still pretty likely that you know or know of a Grimm. We have a joke at TAC that in 100 years, the whole world population will be composed of Muslims and Grimms.

If you are among those who have made their acquaintance, you know that they are dramatic, loud, and incredibly fun people. I was privileged enough to go to school with a great number of Grimm grandchildren. I am particularly close to one of the Grimm families that lives near to TAC. Mr. Grimm is the choir director, Augusta was in my class, and Jack was a freshman my senior year. I spent many wonderful hours at the Grimm household, enjoying amazing food, stimulating conversation, music, and the best company you could ask for, and was privy a lot of drama. These people are not afraid to perform and they are not camera shy. Thank goodness I have my camera with me most of the time.

So today, I did a layout featuring pictures that I captured of Grimm Drama. I utilized some of the many, many things I picked up from the $1 clearance bins at Michael's. Doilies, rhinestones, ribbons, etc. Yay!!

Double the Fun

I am so clever. My title covers two subjects: my double duty at work and my double scrapbook post. I am so proud of myself. Teehee.

So my double duty at work: because of my health problems (aka passing out at seemingly random times), they're "promoting" me. Instead of being the AR clerk pretending to be a receptionist, I am simply going to be an AR clerk. This means that I'll be inside with the rest of the normal people instead of out in the elevator lobby. It also means that I'll get a bit more money. And that I don't have to wear my TAC skirts every day of the week. Yay for jeans, cute tops, and 'cessories!

However, this week, I'm BOTH. I'm learning how to do a full time job... which means I'm doing everything that my new full time job will involve and doing my receptionist job. If you call the corporate office, my "thank you for calling" may be said really quickly and not quite so happily. I'm a bit frazzled. (Hey, you try doing two full-time jobs in a normal 8 hour day. Exactly.) So the fun in the title refers to this face a bit... sarcastically.

The double scrapbook post:
The "Sanctus" I did on Sunday... rather fittingly, I think. It's a shot a snapped at my graduation Mass from the choir loft. I just love it when all the servers have the candles and incense and kneel in front. Such a moving visual. And just for those who are Latin illiterate, "sanctus" means "holy," which is the part of the Mass we were singing at the time of this picture.

The "Croquet Date" layout I did today. The picture is from my second date with my "big brother." It was a big group win-a-date. We ate snacks and drank beer. A lot of beer. In this particular picture, Chris is telling me "you need to put the stick lower." And this was at the beginning of the afternoon. By the end of the afternoon, I'd swing, completely miss, topple over from the momentum, and crash land on my tush. Graceful, yeah. Maybe that's why he "broke up with me" on the way back to campus.

Saturday Joy

Income allows for many good things. On the list today: shopping trips and scrapbooking. So surprising, huh? ;)

The girls hit the mall at about 11 am. I spent a lot of money at Banana Republic, but I love my new shirts and headbands. Mum bought me a 'cessory necklace. I also bought a shirt at Anthropologie, which I LOVE. It's the most I've ever spent on one shirt by like 150%, but I lovelovelove it. So it's worth it.

My other purchase was a nightgown from the Gap. $20. Win. But I won't post a picture since that seems awkward and slightly sketch.

We ate lunch at Tender Greens. They seem to specialize in salads... and they're pretty amazingly delish. The iced tea was also scrumptious. Nom nom. 

I also worked on a layout for (another) one of my favorite pictures. It's from the end of my senior year, after our last final. (!!!) Bridget and I have a tradition of making "Bridget sandwiches" wherein we plant a kiss on each cheek of the person in the middle. The lucky person is usually a girl... but this time it was Bridget's brother. This is the result:

I hope your Saturday is just as wonderful as mine! :) :) :)

Night With My Boys

In a manner of speaking. I was scrapbooking one of my favorite pictures of all time. And I had a lot of fun with it. Since it is one of my favorite pictures EVER, I wanted the layout to be something that I had no regrets about.

Altar Boys Models

I cut the zig-zags out of another paper and used the leftovers to edge the bottom of the photo. I outlined the word "models" with a silver sharpie. Yes, a sharpie. I also used a sharpie to cross out the "Boys."

Somehow I feel kind of like a rule breaker for using a sharpie on a layout instead of a fancy-shmancy marker. I find that I enjoy this kind of rule breaking.

This time around I actually dated the photograph correctly. Haha! I win. :)

And yeah... I don't know if I'm what anyone would call a "good scrapbooker." But I enjoy it. And I like what they look like in the end... so I'm a happy scrapbooker. 

Jonah Day

I am sitting on my bed. There are things that I should get done. Things that I'd like to get done. But I'm not going to do them. I refuse. Because if I try to do them, things will break. People will die. The world will EXPLODE.

It's been one of those days, you see.

It all started last night, you see, when one of our cars wouldn't start. We already have one fewer car than people that need to get places. This isn't a big deal because I don't drive yet, so Mum drives me to work every morning. But having one less than that and having one of the remaining functional cars be the 1988 Ford Ranger? Kinda a big deal. I was worried about the crammed car ride to work with three butts squished onto a seat built for two and a half butts and two sets of legs (because if you put the transmission gear shifty stick in front of the half-butt seat, problems ensue). Thankfully, Dad was able to call a worker who lives nearby to get a ride. Ok, cool. But this was all rather last minute and I... don't do last minute. In the flurry of things, I forgot my lunch. This fact is something I realized only after we got all the way to the office.

Since my Italian Mama is a saint and I'm a hypoglycemic, allergic to everything crazy-pants person who can't just go by lunch at the fast food place across the street, she brought my lunch by at my break. When I got back to my desk, I felt like I was going to pass out. Not an unusual occurrence for me, generally speaking, but not something my coworkers are used to dealing with. I notified someone as they walked by and that sent the whole floor into a panic. Oh my goodness, I've never seen so many freak out about my consciousness level. I stayed conscious (because I was sitting down for goodness sake) and carried on.

At lunch, I tried to schedule an appointment with the doctor. That didn't happen because they seem to have designed their available hours to be exactly when any normal working person cannot call them. As I was explaining this to my coworker as I came back from lunch, my bun got snagged on a stick in the vase of artificial flowers and pulled the whole thing down with a resounding crash onto the tile floor. Shards of glass and decorative rocks went flying.

And then everyone in the accounting department came running out because they thought I had passed out.

And I started crying.

I have a new nickname: Crash.

Didn't take them long to catch on, did it?

"You're Just a Baby"

It's the most-oft repeated phrase I hear at work. Every day, sometimes multiple times a day. It's come up in different contexts:

him: "When did you graduate?"
me: "May."
him: "Oh, well then, you're just a baby."

me: "You need to go to the emergency room. You hit your head really hard."
her: "How would you know? You're just a baby."
me: "I may be a baby, but I've had six concussions."
her: "How does a baby get six concussions? There hasn't been enough time."

At first, I just found this funny. I'm not a baby. I graduated from college. People keep telling me how grown up I am. Then it hit me: no one tells real grown ups that. "Oh, it's nice to see you. Look how grown up you are, turning 40 and sending your kids to college."

Being at college, particularly a small, private school, where almost everyone is between 18 and 22, you tend to think of the upperclassmen as old and mature. "Oh, they're so smart and mature because they're a senior. They're 22." In that little bubble, since no one is older than that aside from the faculty and staff, who don't really even count as human beings, you tend to over mature the 22 year olds in your mind.

22? Not that old.

Not that this should be an excuse to be immature and irresponsible. College graduates are supposed to act like adults. The key word in that sentence, however, may be "act." We... well, I... don't really know how to do this. It's sort of like playing follow the leader. Some day we'll figure out how to do this on our own. We'll have acquired experience and be able to give good advice to others. Right now? It's ok if we're a bit confused. After all... we're just babies.

Life: Musical Chairs on a Grand Scale

"I'm so happy and excited about the big changes in my life."

Something I will never say. 

I used to think of myself as a happy, easy to please, easy going person. (Yes, Mum, you may laugh now.) Ok, I'm pretty sanguine. I'm a people person, generally happy in disposition. But not easy going. I don't like things to change. 

If I'm happy where I am, don't move me.

Unfortunately, life... doesn't work that way. Life moves you. Shoves, pulls, pushes, kicks, and occasionally turns you inside out. It's like playing musical chairs. Non-stop. For the rest of your life. You plod along, around and around the chairs, while music plays in the background. Then the music stops and you frantically fight everyone for a seat. You try to survive the sudden jolt by finding a safe place to sit it out until the music (usually a different tune) starts up again. You find a new pace, a new pattern, but it's all new. And alarmingly temporary. 

Maybe it's my particular age, but life is so up in the air right now. I have a full time job that would basically cover food expenses if I were to have to leave home. No housing, car, utilities... just food. Just barely. I moved away from 95% of my friends and the other 5% are in the process of moving away from me. My best friend... well, that's another story. Let's just say I feel very alone right now.  And like is so often said, you don't know what you've got til it's gone. (don't freak out, he's not dead or anything. just... very... distant...) Even spiritually, things are in adjustment. I don't have a chapel within a two minute walk with Sacraments available every couple of hours and Jesus available during all waking hours. I can get to Mass once a week. I should count my blessings... but right now they seem to be significantly fewer than they have been.

And I have been assured, over and over again, that this is a phase. A particular transition period. That things will fall into place. But that doesn't make it feel good. At all. Unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try to at least look happy, but even the absent-minded guy at work offered to buy me a huge bar of chocolate after taking a look at my face the other day. 

My phlegmatic side (which I didn't know I had until about April) is unhappy. I was happy where I was. Then they made me graduate. How unreasonable of them. Learning to be happy in a completely new situation (like completely new) is harder than it appears. 

In the meantime, I'm trying to take Fr. Buckley's advice: look to the future with hope. And practice smiling in front of a mirror in the meantime.

She Said Yes

I know I've been gone. I went back to my alma mater for the three day weekend. It was wonderful. I'll tell you about it later. In the meantime, I want to show you my first layout with my fancy stuff.

There was a bit of a problem with the date... It went from November 2012 to November 2011 with the help of some conveniently perfectly sized stickers. Oops. I'll definitely have to watch out for that one in the future!

I took this photo during an engagement photo shoot I did for my Godbrother and his fiance last November. This shot is probably one of my favorites from the day.

(pause while I try to figure out how to get the picture onto my blog. technology wins fight)

Well, this is awkward. It's really cute, but I don't know how to photographically prove that to you. How embarrassing. I'll figure it out some day when I'm less sleep deprived from a three day weekend full of heart to heart talks with numerous friends. In the meantime, here are some photos from the weekend. :)

(styrofoam cup art, the outside of our amazing chapel, the even more amazing inside of the other chapel, and a tolerably well-framed self-portrait with a friend)

happy Wednesday!