Praised from the outside, discontent on the inside

The above phrase describes my present state. I'll explain why.

I love to sing. I've always loved to sing. My beloved siblings have always "disliked with a fiery passion" my singing. Not my actual singing, but I do it all of the time and everywhere I go. Sometimes (and quite understandably) they would like to experience something called peace and quiet. Then my sister got a roommate who sings almost as much as I do, just not quite so loudly. Poor her. But Andrea's roommate isn't the cause of my discomfiture. My own singing is. Specifically, my singing at Mass this morning. This is going to take a bit of explaining, so please be patient.

Our choir director is also my voice teacher. He is very nice and very good, but part of his technique of making me a better "performer" (if that's the right word for singing at Mass. If it isn't, please excuse me) is to throw surprises at me. Like this morning. I had been told on Wednesday that I would be singing a verse solo at Mass. It is a song that I know like the back of my hand...I've been singing it at every lesson for the past couple of months. This didn't bother me too much. It would be over in thirty seconds, so I wasn't anticipating being very nervous. Then Adam leaned over and said, "I want you to stay here while the rest of the choir goes to Communion and start the song." I said, "Ok." I thought, "Grrreeeaaat" (intense sarcastic intonation). So, I'm standing in our "choir corner" as it is affectionately known, all by myself with a big ol' mic in my face. Then three things happened that caused me to freak out. 1) I was standing really far away from Adam. My comfort zone is standing right next to the piano, almost behind Adam's left shoulder. I was about ten feet away from him, with him almost behind me. 2) He played it A LOT slower than we had practiced it. This may appear a trifle, but it really isn't. When you sing, you need energy. It is very easy to get the required energy when singing a fast and/or upbeat song. When singing a very slow, quiet song, you have to artificially come up with that energy, which is a skill I haven't mastered yet. Most people never do master it -- it's one of the things that distinguishes between good and great singers. 3) Right as I started singing the first refrain, all by myself, far away from Adam, really slowly, one of the guys threw me a look. It is hard to describe looks with words, but it was basically a "Why are you singing?" look and for a split second, it totally threw me. The second half of that seemingly infinite second contained a realization on my part that I was supposed to be singing...Adam wanted me to. I managed to get through it, following a really shaky first four measures. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't what I normally am capable of.

Now, internally, I was rather disappointed with myself. I knew the song, I normally don't get that nervous, and, from my perspective, I totally fell apart. I said something after Mass about how I totally slaughtered my part of the Communion song. Everyone else disagreed with me. They thought it was lovely, beautiful, awesome, etc. But it is still "rankling in my soul" to steal a phrase. And I shouldn't let it bother me as much as it is. But it does. It really, really does.